So I just got off this online dating site and I am so tempted to write a new profile due to the high volume of douche bags that I have creeping on my profile..you can see who views you which would seem like fun to the average gal, but in no area of my life am I average.
As a sidebar-I was on another dating site recently and I only signed up because a friend asked me to do it with her. So I did-I didn't realize I put my profile in the "Intimate Encounters" section. So I would wake up every morning to an inbox full of emails that read "I love getting blow jobs in the morning more than anything." "Must like whipping." "Not into beastiality but willing to try anything." "I don't mind experimenting with vegetables if you are comfortable with that." After a week of recieving emails that verbally violated me (yes, I waited a week because I was intrigued) I called my friend and I asked if she was getting these super creeps. Well turns out it was just a setting issue. Word to future desperate daters...check your settings.
On this other site, typically a guy who views me is aged between 33 and 62. I am 28 so the 60 year old that has been viewing me everyday for 6 months makes me vomit in my mouth a little. I am dying to post the pictures of the fuckers that email me to go on dates, to have casual sex or to meet their children, or just sent me pictures of their cars. Different types of guys have different approaches on how they initially contact me. The below are some examples of what I have recieved recently.
Bachelor # 1. "Hi." This guy has a lot of substance and I picture us having long conversations on our porch.
Bachelor # 2 "Hey-your face looks like a party. What time can I pick u up. Happy Canada Day.-WHAT?
Bachelor #3 "Your profile made me laugh. Do you want to chat? Before we chat I think you should know that I have two kids and I am in the middle of a divorce. I hope that's not a problem. It has been in the past. Let's meet." -OMG. Sounds amazing. Please bring the little ones.
Bachelor #4. Hey, I'm Giovanni in between working out and volunteering I spend time with my family and friends."-This guy generally is standing in a picture shirtless beside his car covered in baby oil and is under 5"4- and a liar. Really-you don't volunteer. You hang out outside coffee shops with your friends and talk about your cars and how you wish you were taller.
I would like to believe that everyone is telling the truth in their profiles but to be honest if I was telling the COMPLETE truth at this point in my life mine would read.
"Hey there,
I'm Amanda. I am a little mentally unstable at the moment-well the past 2 years in particular. I am a diagnosed insomniac so I am full of energy. (Although I try not to keep my partner up by eating chips in bed since I have started eating my feelings as a full time job.)
I don't have a job, which means we will have lots of time together, and I have tons of bills that I could really use your help paying. To save me from moving home with my parents, if you want to just go ahead and open up your place and your bank account to me-that'd be great.
I should mention, that my pictures may be decieving as I am actually 50 lbs heavier and without makeup I have severe Rosacea which is a condition that causes my face to go insanely red so I typically look like a burn victim without make up.
Anyway, if this sounds at all interesting to you and you would like to stop me from becoming my own Dateline special, then send me a message! Can't wait to meet your parents!
Smooches,
Nanners
10 comments:
Hey, You're Back!
I thought maybe you had found your 'True Love' and forgot to Blog, or something of that nature...
No word of a lie, I spent at least two minutes last Thursday wondering where you'd disappeared to and wishing you'd come back. I guess the Secret really DOES work. ;)
I think you should post Giovanni's picture so we can fully appreciate the body oil. Right after that you should fly to Vancouver because I'll be darned if I don't know at least 20 available men who sound much more attractive than your stalkers. All under 59, no less.
xo
k.
I wish I found my true love...no such luck! I am too busy meddling in other people's relationships.
Kasia! I think the Secret does work! I wish I could post the pictures of these men...I am sure if you look on the website "FUGLY" you will see some.
If you know 20 available men, I am sooooo packing my bags for Vancouver! (Preferably men that I can't pick up and carry over my shoulder or use as and arm rest! )
Good stuff and probably true heck I think i could find you 20 guys oh heel that sounds like I;m doing something else wouldnt believe you ahve trouble meeting people period!!
Keep writing I think your good!
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