So this morning I had finally had a reason to pull my ass out of bed...I had to rush to an employment workshop put on by the City of Toronto. There was no need to be fancy since most of the people in the workshop are from the streets, I felt comfortable in putting on my finest ghetto fabulous outfit to attend. (I specifically wore Capris since my legs are only half shaved because I am lazy and really? Please. What's the point? I got more action in kindergarten.
Not having time to make my own breakfeast mixed with the urgency for not rushing to the subway to be molested be fellow TTC creepsters, I decided to stop at Starbucks. Technically, unemployed people such as myself, cannot afford to spend 4 million bucks on a trendy beverage but I really like the frozen ones so I splurged.
As I arrived at Starbucks, I was immediately jammed at the back of the shop right underneath the air conditioner, at which time I chose to let the air blow dry the back of my head (which I hate doing) and eavesdrop on some dude's convo about how his baby's shit is green.
Still having an appetite and the feeling in my face from the amount of A/C blowing on it, I ordered my usual. Mocha Frappacino...those things put a hop in my step and tend to make me a little less angry during the morning rush.
As any Starbuck's frequenter would know, you generally have to wait around for your bevy as the robots behind the counter somehow scream your order and make it at the same time and tell you to have a nice day. All of a sudden my phone starts to ring...As it's 9am I know it's either my mother, my mother, possibly my mother or someone is dead. So in my jaunt out the door this morning I shoved my phone in the side of my gym bag (which is purely for looks, not for use...you should see my ass.)
Anyway, as it's ringing I am searching every corner of the side pocket of my bag....FORGETTING, that 2 weeks ago on a visit home, my mother shoved a bunch of full back granny panties in that pocket that I, of course, forgot to take out.
FLYING up into the air by some mythical force and landing on the ground in front of the woman beside me lie my Granny panties. In the middle of rush hour at Starbucks. I froze. I just stared at her for 2 seconds until I realized that she was bending down to pick them up....
"Fuck no" which was the response that first came to mind (but didn't say), I lunged to the floor before her fingers could touch them I yelled "NO." The lady jolted upright and just looked at me...As I quickly picked them up and fumbled to put them back in my bag, she just stared at me like I was on a day pass.
I don't think she realized exactly what they were...they could have been god damn bed sheets judging by the size of them for all she knew. I just grabbed my drink and ran out of the store.
Even writing about this, my upper lip starts to sweat...word to the wise...lock up your panties bitches.
Smooches,
Nanners
4 comments:
Ok seriously? I am glad I was not in a public place when I read this. Dude, I GUFFAWED. I didn't think that was physically possible. So many gems, I can't even mention them all.
Oh my god. You rock.
This is why I love to your and enjoy your bogging writing whatever term may applied. Of course the invitation to see your butt was I;m sure made only to tempt us elderly men who pray for some such invitation... I am equally sure god will not grant this modest request.
Ok enough of that really do appreciate the humor that comes out in your writing!
Dave
I also god would grant me the ability to write and spell
Not too long ago, I realized my purse was open, people were crowded around my desk - and what is in the middle of opened purse waiving and offering coffee to everyone that looked toward it? Thas right...KOTEX.
Nice.
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