Most of us are born with filters from our brains to our mouths. I, on the other hand, am a special breed of species who at anytime will say something deemed socially inappropriate or something that will make a room fill with silence. As far as I know, it's nothing offensive that I say it's just plain awkward. I believe it's more awkward for me as it usually involves me giving something known as TMI (Too much information.)
What triggers these events? Liquor.
I am sure many of you can relate to waking up the next morning after an evening of drunken debauchery and have spent most of your day on the couch wondering what the hell happened last night?Why did I order two street meat specials? Why did I drunk dial that person? Where the hell are my pants?What is that taste in my mouth? Where is my phone?Did I barf last night? How did I get home? What is the name of the guy/girl in my bed? Why won't this stranger leave? How come I have no money in my wallet? Why did I steal the microphone from the lead singer in the live band? What is this substance in my hair? Where is my right shoe? Why did I eat that wet nap on a dare? Did I call that girl a whore to her face? I peed where?
Truth is, the above can be the harsh reality of drinking...at least for me anyway. As the holiday season approaches I am mentally preparing myself to reduce my liquor intake which I hope will resolve my diarrhea of the mouth and limit the amount of embarrassing incidents. Unfortunately, there is no prescription for this ailment. I have googled it.
If you or any of your friends can relate to any of the examples I have made, then please see below my list of tips that I have prepared for a night of drinking followed by a day of regrets.
1. When meeting new people in a social situation and there are cocktails involved, try and gage their maturity level before impressing them with your ability to guzzle, chug, chant drinking songs, or throw out the "f" bomb uncontrollably.
2. If you wake up the next morning with a raging hangover and the previous evening is a gaping black whole in your mind, wait before you pick up the phone to find out exactly what you said or did. I find if you give it time, you have flashbacks. The blow is much easier to your ego when you remember and are not reminded by friends who are scream laughing at you on the other end of the phone.
3. Throughout the course of the evening, if you feel the urge to call your ex or "friend with benefits," pass your phone to a friend for safe keeping. You will thank them in the morning.
4. Sometimes we are unable to predict if we are going to be mad drunk, sad drunk, or "oh my god you were so much fun" drunk, if you do take the route of mad drunk, try not to pick fights with the bar tenders, waitress, the coat check girl about her losing your jacket while you are wearing it, and bouncers. Being escorted out or being "suggested to leave" is not very lady like. Especially at 6pm.
5. Do not confuse alley ways for a washroom. Once you have broken the sacred seal ladies, there is no going back. If you must pee in an alley way which is an absolute last resort but does seem like the easiest idea at the time, then make sure that you not only pull down your pants, but do not forget to pull down your underwear since being known as the girl that smelt like urine isn't the most flattering compliment.
6. Use your indoor voice.I have been hearing this all my life. I was born a scream talker so this concept is hard for me to grasp even while I am sober. The more of "grandpa's old cough syrup" you have does not mean that everyone in the room has suddenly becoming hearing impaired.
7. Limit the amount of random "I love you" conversations to about 2 people. Preferably...people you don't know. Then you don't have to deal with the awkward aftermath. Although it is a wonderful feeling to hear those three little words, some are creeped out by the fact that you love them so much... especially your boss.
8. Keep your "I'm sorry for being so drunk last night" emails short, sweet and thoughtful. Throw in a few compliments like "Hey, it was so great to see you last night. Have you lost weight? Man, that bartender was pouring some stiff drinks. I am sorry to hear that someone threw up on your jacket," (even though it was you...wait for their response and play dumb.)
9. If you are taking public transportation home, ensure that you remain awake for the entire ride as you may miss your stop and it could possibly take you to the wrong destination on the other side of town. What should have been a 20 minute ride could potentially turn into a 3 hour journey. One you are likely not to forget and one you would rather just keep to yourself. Invest in a Redbull or a cup of coffee before hopping on.
10. Don't exchange numbers with your new friends that you have made in the ladies washroom. Yes, you may have bonded over lipstick shades, how men are bastards and hair styles from the stall next door, but in reality your new friends are a little nuts.
11. If you want to hand out your business card, be sure to take a good look at what card you are giving to your potential Friday night date. As drinking may make your vision slightly blurry, confusing your business card with your gynecologists appointment card can be awkward.
12. Don't ask "What happened last night?" In front of a group of people. There are bound to be people that will gladly chime in their part of the story..and believe me there are usually many. Walk away if "what happened last night?" slips out of your mouth. You are better off not knowing and you don't want to hear "....BUT the best part was...." Leave. Leave now.
Just for the record, none of the following events stem from personal experience. These are just stories I have heard, I am just a really good listener....Well I am off to clean my halo.
Smooches,
Nanners
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