Spinster

Due to the high volume of crude questions I have been recieving (specifically from friends) for my advice column, I have decided to forgo the Q & A idea until I can get some of these vile images out of my head. You are sooo lucky I am not naming you and putting your questions up. In lieu of this, I have decided to discuss more important topics...such as spinsters.

When I use the term "spinster," I am not referring to someone who teaches professional cycling. I speak of single ladies who have a fear of dying in their parents basement. Generally speaking, if you are a spinster, you know it. You definitely don't need someone to remind you. I'd like to thank my mother for inspiring this meltdown post.

Mom: "Amanda, you should go google yesterday's Toronto Star."
Me in my head: OMG she's finally taken out an ad for me. Better yet, she's found a picture of me in the paper next to an article about fat people.
Me for real: "Why?"
Mom: "There was a great article in there about spinsters..and..."
Me: (Insert lack of blood to the brain and shortness of breath as I find the most appropriate words for this reccomendation...I slam my book shut and stand up and begin to storm upstairs while scream talking ) "MOM ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DID I JUST UNCONSCIOUSLY TURN TO YOU AND SAY "HEY MOM, I'M A SPINSTER, PLEASE HELP?"
Mom "Well that's the last time I try and help."
Me: "Jesus."

It would have been much easier if she could imply I was a spinster. These alternatives would be much better.

"Hey you remember you're going to die alone right?"
"Hey don't forget to pleasure yourself tonight, because no one else will. Ever."
"Hey don't forget to change the batteries in your boyfriend. He's your only hope."
"Hey should we get you a litter of cats tomorrow or Friday?"
"Hey your cat isn't the only thing that's furry. I see you've let yourself go. Might as well."

I'm sweating. No one needs to be called a spinster..especially before bed. Being alone with my thoughts in the daytime seems so much easier than at night. I guess I should go recharge my boyfriend.

Smooches,
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