Dating Shmating...

Summer is coming and so is my period (I hope.) There is something about the summer that just makes me want to have sex date. But for reals, it’s super hard to meet someone quasi normal to go out with. I typically meet real fucking winners. Flashback: Going back to the night the Canadian men’s hockey team won the Gold, I was at a bar with my friend and she was being told how beautiful she was and I was pulled aside by a guy who said “if we went home together he’d promise to destroy me in bed.” Oh that’s so romantic! You would like to destroy me? You promise? My cha-cha is tingling just thinking about it. Are you gonna put rose petals down first Cassanova? Douche bag. I’d like to meet the hooker that line worked on.


As a last resort, I could go back to online dating but between my previous experience (which made me want to sleep with a knife under my pillow and get my hole sewn shut) and my friends experience of just plain creepiness, I fear it just ain’t gonna work. Unless that is, if these dating sites could add more categories so you know what you are signing up for. Let me explain.

If you are unfamiliar with the online dating world, there are typically 4 things that people say they are looking for.

1) Friendship
2) Dating
3) Long Term
4) Intimate Encounters (Ew.)

I think that the categories I’ve created below would be really useful so that people could lower their expectations, save a 2 hours of their life that they’ll never get back, and spare everyone involved from having to shave.

Category 1- I love my dog more than people, but it just won’t blow me.
Category 2- I am just on here to see if I am as socially inept as I believe.
Category 3-Serial dating is far cheaper than therapy
Category 4-I just want to play a game of “just the tip.”
Category 5-I look the exact opposite of my photo…still want to meet?
Category 6-I just got divorced and I need to find out if I am as emotionally fucked up as my ex says I am.

Wouldn’t this make things much easier?

Nanners.

P.S. Please don't ask me to try eHarmony-I did that two years ago and called and scream cried for my money back. Perfect match my ass. None of my matches were in Canada. Plus, if you haven't noticed they have used the same 4 couples for all their commercials for the past 2 years. That's a red flag.

Also, there's a good chance that people are going to write to tell me that "my friend met her boyfriend online and now they're married." Isn't that nice? I don't want to hear it.