Is That Your Twin in Your Leg?

So I have been held up in hotel Nanners for the past 3 weeks (with the exception of a couple play dates) because of a minor surgery I had on my leg. Long story short-I woke up with a giant lump on my inner thigh. As amusing as it would be to my girlfriends to learn that it was symptomatic of an STD-it wasn't. Getting an STD would imply that you most likely were getting some, and that's not the case.
I have nurses that come to my house everyday to change my bandages, clean it and stick gauze in my wound and see me freaking out with my pants off. (The last time I freaked out with my pants off, I was peeing on a stick and praying to our sweet baby Jesus, but that's besides the point.) I think it's safe to say I am a full blown hypochondriac. Every morning I pop a pain killer in anticipation of my nurses arrival and wait in fear of discovering they have found my twin growing in my thigh.

What fuels my growing fear of um, pretty much everything is a little search engine some of you may know as  Google. Anytime something goes remotely wrong with me I immediately google it. I remind myself to breathe as I am looking at the 133,000 results it has returned. Pages upon pages of horrible stories or images glare back at me as I sit in my bed and begin to twitch in horror. It also happens that I do all of my investigations of horrible diseases and medical mysteries in the middle of the night when no one is around to   bitch slap some sense into me.

I also don't think that it helps that I watch Untold Stories of the ER which typically runs as a marathon and not just one episode that you can go to bed and forget about. (I know you are thinking "turn the channel moron," but I can't. It's like seeing a real life hooker for the first time...you can't stop staring.) For instance, last year I saw an episode of a man who came to the ER on Halloween with an axe in his head. Everyone said "cool costume." For some miracle this man could articulate sentences and he managed to tell them it wasn't a costume....I mean, how does this happen? These are the things I think about. I can't even think of a situation when I have been around an axe in the past year, but still this story haunts me and I fear I will wake up with one in my head. I am crazy. I am aware. This is a tiny tidbit of what runs through my head in a given moment.

From now on, I vow to make a concious effort to limit my google searches to more important things in life; celebrity gossip and porn. Not diseases. Maybe I should install a parental control feature on the WebMD site?

Smooches,
Nanners