Freeze Mam, Put the Phone Down...

What is it about drinking that makes people want to type so badly? Speaking from personal experience, I know there are tons of things I feel necessary to text/pin past 12am. It is very important for people to know where I am, how much I love them, how drunk I am, and if I would like them to come over at 3am for a slice of pizza.

The cardinal rule of drinking is to return home with your phone. When I return home with my phone, I know that is one less thing I need to panic about. But the REAL panic sets in when I check my sent texts, sent emails, sent pins, dialed calls, and call duration.

Let's outline a morning after drinking for Nanners shall we?
1. Wake up and change into my pajamas as my clothes are still on.
2. Locate my purse...I usually just follow the trail of pizza sauce to it.
3. Reach inside and hope that I don't have a stock pile of taxi drivers phone numbers (which means I have been to multiple destinations of which I have no recollection.)
4. FIND MY PHONE. (Say a tiny prayer to our sweet Jesus that I have not sent hate or creepy love messages to people)
5. Start checking outboxes, in boxes, pins, emails, outbound calls, inbound calls and call duration. (Call duration is VERY important if you are black out drunk and have no idea what you could have possibly said at 3am for 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
6. Start the apologies. (The trick here is to either PRETEND that you remember talking to them or LAUGH it off in a text message...Examples below.

The two types of next day texts are as follows:
1. This is called the "HEY YOU!" text. At this point you recognize that you have made a call and can't remember what the f you were talking about. Here is what you text.

"Hey it was so great talking to you last night! We should do drinks soon!"
Response time is crucial here people...If you don't hear anything back within 8 hours, make a call.

2. This is called the "OMG!" text. This text is the one where you realize you sent an inappropriate message asking for sex or strange requests in the middle of the night. Here's what it will read.

"OMG!" I was so drunk last night. Sorry for the message."

Please feel free to use these tips as these are rules I live by.