Who needs E Harmony Anyway?

As I was checking my empty email inbox just now, I noticed an ad for E Harmony at the top of the page. I am not going to lie, I spent an entire hour last month filling out the questionnaire on E Harmony to review "my free profile matches" (they don't tell you that you don't get the picture of the supposed love of your life at the end) Mother of God it takes a long time to complete...especially when you have to debate whether or not you are going to tell the truth or lie about certain personality traits...ie; being stable.

In addition to losing an entire hour of my life that I will never get back, I happened to notice the membership fee. No thanks. I would rather spend that get sloshed at the bar and having a one night stand with "Mr. Right Now" and have an awkward morning goodbye...what was your name? and a farewell slap on the ass.

Anyway I am getting away from my point. I started thinking that if I were to take out a real classified ad in the paper (I figure that's where the most desperate go since we have the choice to be extremely picky when we do things electronically) what would it say....

"Perpetually single chubby Caucasian female, 27, desperate enough to take out ad, but not hopeless enough to invest in a litter of cats, seeks a man who enjoys to laugh but not when I take off my shirt, must have established career or trust fund as I am living off the government, must be a family man (which refers to loving his parents and siblings not his current baby mama and bastard children.) Must have drivers licence as my life is quite adventurous and ambulances are expensive. Well groomed including hair on back and private areas. Caring and open (open in the sense that you are communicative, not in an open relationship.) If I sound like the woman of your dreams, please feel free to contact me between 11am-2pm, otherwise I am sleeping. I look forward to meeting you Mr. Right!"

I don't think that's asking for too much do you?