Being at home with my parents does have its advantages-the home cooked meals. However, I do have to listen to my mother talk about what her colleague Linda brought to the pot luck at work and how much she adored her recipe for her spinach dip. Fact: This may seem insensitive, but I don't really care what Linda brought to the pot luck. In fact, here is what I am thinking when my mother is telling me this story. Does Linda have any single sons around my age or at an age that it wouldn't be creepy for me to date them? Does Linda have money? Can you become better friends with her so we can spend her money? Did you bring home some left over spinach dip? This ass isn't going to fatten itself.
This conversation about pot lucks, literally just took place in the kitchen 5 minutes ago and reminded me of how much I hated office pot lucks with a firey passion. On this occassion you discover that there are 4 types of people you work with and I have broken them down into seperate categories:
1. Those who just picked up the brownies instead of baked them-which some may view as lazy;
2. Those who are Julia Child in the kitchen have 4 young children at home but yet still bring the most delicious and thoughtful dishes so that everyone else feels like an asshole;
3. Those who cook,and are in denial about how grotesque their bean salad is but they are somehow always lingering around to ask "have you tried my bean salad?" Now you have to. Again, you run the risk of looking like an asshole so you politely accept;
4. Those who actually don't bring a thing, have managed to avoid the topic when brought up but yet, you find them filing their plates and stuffing their faces in their cubicles. Bastards.
(There is kind of a non-official 5th category and that's the type of person such as myself, who enjoys watching other co-workers take a bite of something disgusting that you, yourself, just spit back into your napkin. They carefully glance up to see if anyone caught their reaction. I always do. Now that is my favourite part.)
The end result of an office pot luck could go one of 3 ways. You realize that Rose in accounting not only sucks at her job, but she is also super shitty at cooking. Now she has exposed 2 areas of her life that she is useless in. Or, Rose could still be shitty at accounting but if she brings in the best Mexican rice dish ever, then there is a chance for redemption and some meaningful high fives for her around the office. Lastly, Rose could be a star at cooking and accounting which really makes her the fucking star of the office for a few days. We hate Rose.
I once fell into category number 1, as I had a raging hangover and totally forgot to bake something. So I ran to a gourmet coffee shop, bought 24 gourmet cookies, which cost me 40 gourmet dollars, only to get my arm stuck in the door of the subway and have my cookies crushed. That was God's way of calling me lazy-and an alcoholic. No one ate my cookies.They couldn't. They were essentially shrapnel and debris from the war I fought in the subway that morning. Lesson learned-always call in sick on pot luck day.
Smooches,
Nanners
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