How Was Your Summer?

I have been dreading running into people in my hometown in fear that they may ask "Hey Amanda, how was your summer?"

I have been avoiding local hotspots like the grocery store, in fear that the below response would fly out of my mouth:  *This is intentionally 1 sentence.*

"Well I didn't have a job which meant that I barely went out and when I did, I would be sweating so much that the front of my hair went curly while the back was straight and my skin was oily so no one talked to me  at the bar so I ended up drinking a lot because I felt so unattractive and the drinking caused me to have major heartburn the next day which mimmicked a heart attack and created a lot of anxiety which in turn made my road rage intolerable which increased my bitchiness so when I got home to my parents place which I just moved into at the age of 28 and where I will die, I would fight with them because I was dying of a hangover and lingering road rage which would cause me to eat my feelings and stay up all night watching documentaries on deadly bear attacks and repeats of extreme home makeover in between googling "celebrities with cellulite" and eventually I would fall asleep for maybe an hour or two and dream of what it would be like to have sex then I would wake up and think about the time I thought I was pregnant and immediately be turned off then remember I live with my parents so chances of me having sex are like the chances of me discovering the cure for cancer and then I would think about how much cellulite I have and want to stay in bed all day, but that wouldn't be possible because of the telemarketers that call our house 4 million times a day so I couldn't sleep so after I thought about it, I would get my fat scottish ass out of the bed to go down and stand in my parents fridge for oh... I don't know- about 30 minutes and then promptly complain that there was nothing to eat, squeeze in Law and Order at noon, sit on facebook for a couple hours, think about something witty to say in 140 characters or less to update my twitter page of which I mainly follow celebrities because their lives are far more interesting than mine only to update my status and have no one @tweet me, then I would try and catch a nap before Ellen started but that was impossible because I was continually thinking about not having a job while rubbing anti-wrinkle cream on my forehead wrinkle and then I would get a text from Meagan about her latest date and then think about how I am not dating then go on a dating website only to be verbally accosted by complete strangers whose tag line was "I would do anything for love." which really meant "I am fat, desperate, socially inept and super creepy and have a really small penis" so they would message me and ask me out which caused me to hide my profile and swear off online dating then my mom would come home see me in my pajamas and tell me that I needed to get a life and then I would say "with whose money...yours?" then she would tell me to "fuck off", at which point I would grab her car keys take off in her car in my pajamas and drive around the neighbourhood and scream sing "Billy Jean," while simutaneously crying and wishing that my summer was better. How was your summer?"