Great. The Holidays are coming...

No not Halloween. Christmas. A time for singles to be reminded that yes they are in fact single. (Just in case you woke up that morning and forgot)

During a typical holiday gathering, I can be caught weaving in and out amongst the plethora of quasi sober relatives who all have the same question on their mind. Is Amanda a lesbian? I haven't seen her bring anyone to the family gathering.

Eventually I am cornered by a drunk cousin who says "I have the perfect person for you." As my eyes quickly do a once over of the Northern Reflections sweater and the booze breathe breathing in my face, I awkwardly decline their invitation by saying "Oh really. I am not really ready for a relationship." Then I quickly look in every direction for the closest dessert platter floating around so I may begin my emotional eating.

This year, I have decided that the kids table is probably more suited to my needs. Their biggest concern is if they will get to play X-box after dinner so they are eating at a rapid pace. In addition to this I can pretty much guarentee that the topic of conversation will not head in the direction of politics or love for that matter. I am game. Although we may need a bigger chair for my slightly larger ass.

Technically, I have so many family members that attend these things that I don't think that I will be missed if I didn't show up. Perhaps I could get away with issuing a family bulletin? I'll put it on festive paper and fax it over to my Aunt. This is what it will read.

"Happy Holidays everyone! Sorry, I couldn't be there. I am actually in Cambodia hand picking Brad and Angelina's next child. Yes I am still single and very very very happy. In fact, the happiest I have ever been.And my god, I am getting so skinny. So please stop questioning my sexuality. Merry Christmas."

Anyway, the likelihood of me getting out of the family festivities is the about the same likelihood of me eating cabbage as a snack. So it looks like I will be attending. But to any of you out there who know of a guy with a job, some morals, over 5'10 and a pulse, please feel free to give him my information.

Smooches,
Nanners