I spent a good portion of last Sunday drinking chocolate milk and trying to figure out how to "Dexter" myself to a table. But as it turns out, saran wrap was created by Satan, and it significantly raises my blood pressure, so I said screw THAT. (If you don't watch Dexter then there is a good chance we're not soul mates, but here's the Coles Notes version: Dexter saran wraps people to tables.
Truthfully, I'm pretty sure saran wrap is the reason I started swearing in grade 4. I vividly remember opening up my New Kids On The Block lunch pail, only to find my cookies, carrots, and my triangle sandwiches, wrapped in that demonic plastic-like film.
"WHAT THE FUCK MOM?! I DON'T WORK FOR NASA. I CAN'T OPEN THIS. DANG, WOMAN."
And that's when my therapist tells me the struggle began....
My struggle with my consistent Sunday hangover, has inspired me to share some words of wisdom on how to behave accordingly during a hangover.
1. DON'T watch Steel Magnolias, Step-Mom, The Notebook or LaBamba: A dying daughter, a dying mother, a long lost lover, and a dead Latin rock star, are all equal to experiencing an apocalypse right from your very own couch...and your heart... especially with booze in your veins.
I mean c'mon. If the scene below isn't making you weepy then please leave.
I can often be found re-enacting this scene at dinner parties, cottage weekends, office functions and bat mitzvahs. I'm definitely someone worth getting to know.
2. Say a little prayer before you check your sent messages in the morning: If you're anything like me, your fingers take on a life of their own by at least drink number 3. The whole world is filled with flowers and we're surrounded by world peace and cute Asian babies. This was me on Friday. *I can't show you the messages that I sent at drink 6, as they will be traveling with me and my dignity to the section in heaven labelled "Whores."
While we're on the topic of drunk texting, I'm patiently waiting for the day that iPhone announces they are installing breathalyzers for their new iPhone 47. I'm also waiting for the day that Ashton Kutcher shows up to tell me that I'm being Punk'd, and I didn't really send all those slutty/creepy messages last night-It was my bestie Leonardo DiCaprio just punking me! Silly goose! Then we laugh about it, get married on a yacht at sunset, and save the Congo one animal at a time.
Oh wait, there is also this kind of incomprehensible text that I can often be found cringing at.
"MelaNnnie, whaT r u deing tonight$"
"Huh?"
"Iwant a unIcoorn. Don'T u?!!!!!!!1 Imaaaagine?"
"Where are you?"
That actually hurt my heart to type that out, because it's the honest to God truth. I also don't have evidence of these types of texts as these are the first ones to be deleted.
3. What you think is funny while you're hungover is RARELY funny when you're sober.
Ever sit around on a Sunday wishing your life wasn't yours, until you see the FUNNIEST DISH SOAP COMMERCIAL EVER? For me, everything is hilarious. when in reality, it's just a bunch of bitches standing around in mom-jeans, degrading one another for not being able to get the spots off their god damn dishes. IT'S NEVER FUNNY ON MONDAY. I promise you.
4. Switch up your pizza places: You know the old saying,"If I'm not waking up with pepperoni in my hair and an empty bank account, then it's time to get new friends."
Okay, so maybe that's my motto.
Eating pizza while nursing your hangover, is the next best thing to having Channing Tatum whispering "I love you" in your ear. Yes, I don't know what it actually feels like to have Channing Tatum tell me he loves me, but you can bet your ass when I'm alone in my apartment on a Saturday morning, my imagination and my pillow tells me I do. Okay, back to Pizza. No self respecting woman wants to be greeted by the pizza delivery guy like this, "Hello my friend!" So i urge you, in your sober state, to pull some re-con on some local pizzerias. Wait, who eats pizza sober?
5. On hangover day, don't answer your phone for at least 3 hours after you wake up:
Here's why: Say your night is a little foggy or you're suffering from a severe case of ihopenooneremembersthat-itis, there is a good chance that your asshole friends are just WAITING for the clock to strike an appropriate hour to call you and remind you, that not only did you leave your wallet at their house, but your dignity went with it as well. There are 3 ways the post-drink recap conversations can start when you pick up the phone:
Scenario 1:
Me: (Hesitant) "Hello?"
Asshole Friend: (asshole giggle) "How are YOU feeling this morning?"
Scenario 2:
Me: (Rolls eyes) "Hello?"
Asshole Friend: "OMG. Do you remember when you..."
Scenario 3:
Me: (Clears throat to not sound hungover or sleepy) "Hello!?"
Asshole Friend: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You sound like shit! Remember when you lost your...."
All in all there is not a good way to endure/embrace a hangover. I think if you're gonna take away anything valuable from this post, find a heavily wooded area and launch your phone into it.
Love,
Nanners.
AND.....Remember, you can also follow some more of my writing along with our fab group of contributors at: www.redlipslonglashes.com
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