Similiar to Pavlov's dog, I associate the grocery store with wearing shitty clothes, greasy hair and minimal makeup and all the carbohydrates a fatty can eat Hell, I don't even draw on my eyebrows to go to the grocery store. Whoa. I typically spend a good portion of the 30 minutes I'm in there loitering/freezer burning my face, by trying to hide amongst the boxes of meatballs. And for what? Without fail, and with below normal body temperatures, I will always run into someone I really, really don't want to see. Ugh.
In my opinion, the below two examples are probably the worst types of people to run into....
In my opinion, the below two examples are probably the worst types of people to run into....
The one night stand. Mom, don't worry, I would never do this but I'm told this experience is just awful. It happened to my friend who I will name Princess Consuela Banana Hammock for the purpose of this story. Anyway, Princess Consuela had the pleasure of being stuck in an unconditioned subway for 50 minutes after work one hot August evening. Just short of being homicidal, she realized she only had ice cubes in her freezer for dinner, so it was paramount that she made a trip into the grocery store. With her makeup running down her face and her inner thighs chaffing and burning with the intensity of 10,000 burning suns, Princess Consuela took 10 steps into the grocery store and ran into last Friday's one night stand.
Dear God.
Forgetting his name, and her own in the moment, Princess Consuela locked eyes with the one hit wonder, and ran straight for cover in the cheese string aisle. After 10 minutes of heart palpatations and wishing the earth opened up and swallowed her, Consuela met her fate and literally walked right into him.
According to Princess Consuela, the next 5 minutes were laced with excessive upper lip sweating, forced awkward conversation about how the past week was probably the busiest week of their ENTIRE LIVES....Well, it would have to be since both of them needed immediate excuses of why they didn't call each other. Pfft. Amateurs,
Running into old classmates from high school. For the most part, I enjoy running into people from high school...when I'm wearing makeup, down 40lbs and my breasts aren't grazing against my kneecaps. Typically (and because karma is a bitch), I only run into high school people when I go to my parents place for the weekend. Somehow, the Universe calls upon the ENTIRE class of 2000, to all hit up the local grocery store, just when I look my shittiest. Let's be serious, I'm far too lazy to slap on makeup and clean clothes when I visit my parents. It's like the only place on earth where people will still love you, even if you look like a washed up whore.
10 out of 10 times, I will be asked at some point during my visit with parents, to run to the store to grab something obscure such as "banana abstract paste." (I just made that up but you get my drift, I cook with salt and oil and that's it, so everything seems obscure to me.)
My mom always takes it upon herself to remind me I look like shit before I gracefullyutter every swearword known to man about how ridiculous it is that they forget everything on their grocery list, then make an Oscar worthy exit by slamming the car door and going 100km/hr down the street. leave for the grocery store.
The last awkward encounter that I vividly recall, was when I was caught with approximately 5 croissants, a cheesecake and a steak while trying to make a dash for the self checkout counter.
"Nanners?! Nanners?! Is that you? Omg.Wait!
Oh Christ.
So next time in you're in your local grocer, look for me, I'll be by the meatballs. Panicking.
Peace out,
Nanners
OH and wait...I just wanted to say something quickly about the Boston Marathon bombings. Since I've been at home for the past 2 weeks recovering from my surgery, I've followed a ton of coverage on the attack, and my heart breaks for all those effected by this senseless act. You don't have to be from Boston to feel the rage and helplessness toward this situation. The people responsible for this are monsters and they will get what's coming to them in some way or another, BUT if you are following any of this story, I encourage you to read about the acts of heroism and strength from the victims. Read about the people running into the smoke to save a complete stranger, as they are the ones that deserve the attention. Find those stories, and you'll remember that good exists.
Dear God.
Forgetting his name, and her own in the moment, Princess Consuela locked eyes with the one hit wonder, and ran straight for cover in the cheese string aisle. After 10 minutes of heart palpatations and wishing the earth opened up and swallowed her, Consuela met her fate and literally walked right into him.
According to Princess Consuela, the next 5 minutes were laced with excessive upper lip sweating, forced awkward conversation about how the past week was probably the busiest week of their ENTIRE LIVES....Well, it would have to be since both of them needed immediate excuses of why they didn't call each other. Pfft. Amateurs,
Running into old classmates from high school. For the most part, I enjoy running into people from high school...when I'm wearing makeup, down 40lbs and my breasts aren't grazing against my kneecaps. Typically (and because karma is a bitch), I only run into high school people when I go to my parents place for the weekend. Somehow, the Universe calls upon the ENTIRE class of 2000, to all hit up the local grocery store, just when I look my shittiest. Let's be serious, I'm far too lazy to slap on makeup and clean clothes when I visit my parents. It's like the only place on earth where people will still love you, even if you look like a washed up whore.
10 out of 10 times, I will be asked at some point during my visit with parents, to run to the store to grab something obscure such as "banana abstract paste." (I just made that up but you get my drift, I cook with salt and oil and that's it, so everything seems obscure to me.)
My mom always takes it upon herself to remind me I look like shit before I gracefully
The last awkward encounter that I vividly recall, was when I was caught with approximately 5 croissants, a cheesecake and a steak while trying to make a dash for the self checkout counter.
"Nanners?! Nanners?! Is that you? Omg.Wait!
Oh Christ.
So next time in you're in your local grocer, look for me, I'll be by the meatballs. Panicking.
Peace out,
Nanners
OH and wait...I just wanted to say something quickly about the Boston Marathon bombings. Since I've been at home for the past 2 weeks recovering from my surgery, I've followed a ton of coverage on the attack, and my heart breaks for all those effected by this senseless act. You don't have to be from Boston to feel the rage and helplessness toward this situation. The people responsible for this are monsters and they will get what's coming to them in some way or another, BUT if you are following any of this story, I encourage you to read about the acts of heroism and strength from the victims. Read about the people running into the smoke to save a complete stranger, as they are the ones that deserve the attention. Find those stories, and you'll remember that good exists.
1 comment:
You made my day with the 'Princess Consuela Banana Hammock' bit - I made a reference to that the other day and everyone thought I was INSANE. Love that episode.
Sincerely,
Crap Bag (Noemi)
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