Kinda wishing there was an apocalypse...

Well those Mayans sure fucked up. Personally, I don't think we can blame the Mayans as a whole about the world not ending as predicted. What I think really happened was some chubby Mayan girl got so sick of Uncle Julio asking her where her boyfriend was every Christmas, that she finally snapped and published a calendar that killed us all off before the holidays. Smart woman. So cheers to the chubby Mayan girl for a solid effort on trying to put spinsters out of our collective misery 4 days before Christmas.

Since I didn't die on December 21st and I managed to avoid prison over the past 12 days, I thought I'd share with you my misery. some highlights of my holidays.

December 21st: I spent 5 hours in the fracture clinic sitting beside a man who ate his snot for lunch and a woman who freaked out at her husband that the cheese on her Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich had processed cheese on it and not real cheese. THEN DON'T EAT FAST FOOD YOU USELESS FUCK.

"Frank, I thought Tim Horton's served real cheese? What is this shit? I wouldn't have ordered it otherwise. Frank? Frank? Frank? Are you listening to me? Take the sandwich back. Maybe you can grab me a bagel. My coffee is cold anyway. Frank? Here. Take it."

Frank certainly hit the jackpot by marrying that whiny slut. Frank didn't look at his wife once, nor did he bother to respond. He just looked straight ahead looking dead inside. You could tell he had been living in marital hell for the past 25 years and there was a good chance he was picturing all the dumpsters in his neighbourhood that he could dump her body in.
Truthfully, I've never had more of an urge in my life to whip brass knuckles out of my purse. I thought for sure if this broad kept talking, I would be in prison by 2pm getting a buzz cut and changing my name to "Tiny." Frank, if you're out there, God speed.

December 22nd: Family parties are a great way to feel like shit. Just kidding. Not really. I have a gigantic vagina family (which I'm secretly really proud of and love being around but it's funnier to say that they are annoying when they really aren't...with the exception of a few relatives.)
I just sit at the kid table which is where I'm the most comfortable, they laugh at my jokes and the Mexican accent I enjoy speaking in, I can shove 8 meatballs in my mouth and be the coolest kid at the table and they think the hair on my upper lip is cool because it feels funny and fuzzy shit rocks when you're 5.
Truthfully, I hang out with the kids to avoid offside comments from my mother, mainly. For example, a couple of my good looking male relatives walked into the party that day and my mom turns to me and flashes her creepiest smile. (It's the smile she gets when she sees a very attractive black man.)

Mom: "God, they don't make them like that anymore do they?"
Me: "What? Jesus Mom, those are your nephews."
Mom: "It doesn't matter, but don't you go getting any ideas." 
Me: "Please stop talking."

*Nanners, exit stage left.

Later that evening, I went to a "Tight Pants Christmas Party" which of course was a blast. I didn't have to go out of my way to buy a pair of tight pants since ALL of mine are tight...whomp whomp. I find these parties to be a great opportunity to stare at the outline of my friend's cock's and hit on all of my friend's husbands. No party is complete without trying to steal an open mouth kiss from a married man. God, I love a challenge.

December 23rd: Wake up on friend's couch, overstay my welcome and go home to pick pieces of Doritos out of my hair.

December 24th: Christmas is full of traditions. A new tradition I started last year, was drinking 3 litres of wine and skipping dinner. It's a better buzz and makes the holidays much more manageable. It made it way more manageable when my mom told all of our company,

"Amanda's ovaries are rotting." 
"You've got to be fucking kidding me mom, I'm right here."

My mom works at the joke store in case you were wondering.

December 25th: Wake up sicker than sick, shaking, coughing and convinced myself I had SARS. Not to mention the heart palpitations I was having all morning because I was positive I had a conversation with someone at some point in the evening (either a relative or friend) that went something like this:
"I have saggy tits." 
I also have no way of confirming this since I will never ask a family member if I told them I had saggy tits. Ugh. I was really hoping for an all inclusive getaway to a rehab facility in the mountains for Christmas but no dice.
And obviously I opened gifts with my family. I'm very spoiled and I'll be the first to admit it. But I must say I was very disappointed that my mother didn't replace my vibrator that she tossed in the garbage this summer. Seriously, who throws a giant dick in the garbage without consenting with the owner first? I'm sure I'll get over it someday...what are therapists for, right?

December 26th: Nap. Think about the saggy tits comment.
December 27th: Nap. Think about the saggy tits comment.
December 28th: Nap. Think about the saggy tits comment.

December 29th: Have a couple friends over and have an accidental Lindsay Lohan-esque evening. Order Vodka via "Dial-A-Bottle" (If you're not familiar with this service, you can call them or order booze on line and they bring it to your door.) I may or may not have ordered a shit load of wine while I was alone a few months ago... I was praying it would be a different delivery guy because our last encounter was slightly awkward, but OF COURSE it was the same guy. As soon as I opened the door he flashes a giant smile and says;

"Oh I see you're not alone this time."

Go fuck yourself.

December 30th: Pray there really is an apocalypse.

December 31st: Have an amazing time ringing in the new year with my friends and saying very inappropriate things to people. Oh wait! I love midnight so I get to watch everyone make-out with their significant others! How could I forget!! That must be nice for them. 12:03am is actually my favourite time of the evening because by then people have stopped penetrating one another with their tongues and I feel a lot less homicidal-ish.

January 1st: Wake up early and try and reconcile with the fact that the taste in my mouth may actually never go away and briefly search my apartment for any damp areas where I may have peed. Followed by sitting on the couch with my friend who completely overstayed her welcome. (Mel, please take this hint)  That's okay, by 3pm she was really sick of hearing my impersonation of Theresa, Long Island Medium. Ever seen that show? She's from New Jersey and speaks to dead people, kind of my idol.

Well, I'm insanely hungover, I'm not proof reading this or editing. What you see is what you get.

I'm out.
Nanners

*I hope you all were able to enjoy the holidays with your friends and family and I wish you all nothing but the best in 2013!! Thanks for reading!!