Truthfully, today felt like I was starring in one very long maxi pad commercial. I laughed, I cried, I danced and I even leaked a blue liquid. Although I did skip out on wearing the white Lycra, camel toe pants they always make women wear in those ridiculous commercials. Do they have ANY women in the wardrobe department that style those commercials? Who the fuck wears white pants when they know they are bleeding from their snatch? I don't know about you ladies, but once a month I wait for Gil Grissom and the gang to show up and start processing the crime scene in my pants. (For all the men that just cringed reading that, don't worry, I cringed writing it. I'm done.)
I'd like to ask you to take a moment and think of the biggest whore in high school and how much you hated her. (It makes me sad that 25% of my readers are thinking of me right now.) Anyway, take that hate and multiply it by 4 billion and you'll grasp the amount of negativity pumping through my ever so plump body. So, while I'm waiting for my exorcist to arrive, I thought I would write about things I HATE. You're welcome.
The tiny paper inserts that are in magazines...and they fall out 900% of the time when you pick it up.
'Get 12 months of Vogue for only $133.75 a year!' I can just picture the assholes over at Vogue.
"Oh Deborah, wouldn't it be funny if we made a small insignificant piece of paper that no one reads, fall out of the magazine when people pick it up in a store? Especially for fat people or the elderly, it's so hard for them to bend over." Go fuck yourself Deb.
Gangnam Style I vow to set fire to everything around me if I hear that song one more time. Test me.
People who scream talk on their cell phones on the bus or train. Guess what? No one gives a shit if Arnie is picking up Becky at 3:15 or 3:30. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
The sound of my alarm clock: I think this is pretty self explanatory. I could probably take a nap on the Gaza Strip and not even flinch, so I have to set my alarm on the most annoying, ear piercing, soul crushing settings.
Heavy Death Metal: Screaming "Eat your dog and rape your neighbour" pouring vodka into your eyeballs, then lunging shirtless into an audience full of people to crowd surf is not talent, nor is it entertaining. Just idiocy and just my opinion.
The Kardashians. Every morning before I pee, I sit on the edge of my bed and try and solve the international mystery of exactly what it is the Kardashians do and why they have millions of dollars and I'm searching my couch cushions for bus fare.
Peas: When I was 10 my father wouldn't let me leave the dinner table until I ate all my peas. I refused until he shot me that look which indicated to me that he really did have a shallow grave dug for me in the back yard. I took one spoonful and vomitted them right into my plate. Haven't touched them since.
People smacking their lips when they chew their gum: Don't be a dick, chew it with your mouth closed or at least silently if you really want to practice chomping your jaw down at a rapid rate. This seems to be an epidemic and it needs to stop. I think this is just as important an issue as feeding the children in Africa. Make it stop.
Watching the Sopranos on A&E and they take out the swearing: I may as well be watching The 700 Club or Polka Dot Door. Swearing is what made that show so bad ass. *Read in Jersey accent...
"Christopha! (slaps him across the face) I don't give a darn. I should knock ya flippin face in."
This does NOT make Tony Soprano look like a gangster, just a straight up pussy.
Anyway, I think I've filled you all with enough hate for one day, I'm off to shave my chest legs.
Over n' out,
Nanners
3 comments:
Deb is such a bitch!
Deb is such a bitch!
You have proven why I'm very glad to be a guy. One period, one cramp, one contraction and I'm shooting myself in the eyeball.
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