If you're a woman...you may get this.

As I sit here in pre-menstrual bliss, sweating and hanging out in my adult diaper sized
maxi-pad, just waiting for the crime scene in my pants to begin, I've never felt more like buying a machete off e-bay blessed to be a woman. NOT. Yes, I realize the use of the word "NOT" went out with acid wash jeans but do you really want to fuck with a woman who is PMS'ing? Didn't think so. The hormones pumping through my body right now are enough to make me dead-lift a Toyota over my head in the middle of the street or instantaneously fall into a deep REM cycle sleep.

Men, if you haven't already opened a new browser and typed in "ESPN" or "Titties" then keep reading. I think nothing puts more hair on your chest than experiencing the wrath of a menstruating woman. I will be the first to pat your ass and most likely have sex with you to congratulate you on putting up with a woman who is shedding the lining of her uterus once a month.

Since I mentally feel like a hybrid of a terrorist and Marsha Brady right now, I thought I would make this post a little less intellectual than the rest of my posts by staying away from the heavy hitting topics I normally write about such as, religion and politics. (If you didn't catch my sarcasm, please leave).

Anyway, I thought I would commemorate my 19th year of bleeding from my vagina by exposing some of the not-so-proud/stranger moments I've experienced while PMS'ing.

• Today, I went to the convenience store to pick up People's Magazine: Sexiest Man Alive issue, only to find out they were sold out. After yelling "You've got to be kidding me." to the clerk behind the counter, I came home and whipped my purse across my apartment and sat on my couch and  cried. And the Oscar goes to....
• Once, for no reason whatsoever, (other than the fact that I was PMS'ing) I deleted all my male friends off of BBM (Blackberry Messenger) then pretended it was some random phone failure.
• Earlier this year while watching a re-run of 'Say Yes to the Dress' on TLC, I burst into tears, ran into the washroom,cut my bangs and the tips of my hair, shaved my arms, took 3 Tylenol 3's, turned off all the lights in my apartment and got into my bed and did not get out of it for 9 hours straight...without peeing or sleeping.
• I'd say every other month since Whitney Houston died, I light candles and scream sing "I Will Always Love You" at least 6 times in a row. 
• No matter what my mother says, I respond "Um, why don't you just come out and say it, you think I'm fat." 
• Last month, I wrote a really angry blog post about the treatment of homeless people and people who only post pictures of food on Twitter, only to be deleted...thankfully. 
• When I worked at the Toronto Zoo, I would sometimes wander off alone to watch the Bears have sex first thing in the morning. Who am I kidding, this has nothing to do with me PMS'ing. I'd do this any day of the week. Bears love fucking. 
• I once missed a friends birthday party to watch the movies Steel Magnolias, and My Life. After they were finished and my eyes were swollen shut, I signed up on a website to be ordained online. Makes sense.
• A few years ago, I ate 12 Oreos and then touched myself after watching a Kardashian's marathon. 

That's all I got in me today folks. I gotta get back to googling pictures of flowers and do-it-yourself weaponry. 

Final thought: Aren't Fist  Chris Brown and Rhianna such a shining example of true love?

Nanners Out.