Anyway, now that my mom won't be calling me until 2015, since I just publicly wrote about having anal sex, it leaves me with more time to explain why I'm an asshole.
Exhibit A. This is Mel: (Well technically this is the tip of her nose and a side profile of her massive tits.)
Mel has the biggest home-grown breasts I've ever seen. This week, Mel and her giant nipples went to the audiologist and she was told she would need hearing aids at the ripe age of 31. I guess Mel finally clued in that the sound of a buzz saw and constant ringing in her ears wasn't natural. Poor Mel.
I must say, I enjoyed snapping creepy photos of her today. (And the bonus part is, she didn't hear the click of the camera going off since she's waiting for her hearing aids to come in.)
Today, Mr. Holland's Opus and I, um I mean Mel and I, went to a workshop on hair and makeup. We were tired of looking like just your average washed-up hooker, so new tips and tricks to lure some p's to our v's were appreciated.
Also, I sent the above photo to all our friends with the caption, 'I bet she has no idea what our instructor is saying right now.'
Before you get your panties in a twist, I'm not making fun of deaf people, I'm making fun of Mel because 1. She's the best target to ever grace my presence. 2. Her situation was/is/will be totally manageable and she is finding the humour in a difficult situation.(I admire that) And frankly, that's what friends do... make each other feel like shit about serious life issues.
I'd like to attribute Mel's hearing loss to karma. Maybe it was the time in University that she told an African exchange student named Sylvia that her parents called and left a message that they were flying her home to Africa for spring break since she hadn't seen them in so long...um yeah...they never called and that never happened...I think Sylvia is still waiting in the cafeteria with her suitcases.
Or perhaps it was the time that a bunch of us overheard our friend having sex with her boyfriend in her dorm room and Mel crank called them from across the hall saying she was a nurse from the London Health Clinic and her STD test came back positive for warts....this was also in a time of those old school answering machines that played out loud when you left a message...he heard everything.
Moving along, I just re-thought about writing about all the things I do that make me an asshole. I'll let you think Mel is slightly more dickish than myself. Like my asshole, I'm gonna keep that shit private.
In other news, I sold my soul to Apple a couple weeks ago and got an iPhone so I'm currently swamped with waiting to lose it or smash it into a thousand pieces. It only cost me a month's rent and 5 credit card payments and now I'll probably never be able to afford my own home...but no big deal, at least my phone is pimp. As much as I love my new phone, it makes me feel completely fucking useless...right to my core.
I've downloaded a bunch of useless apps that my friends have recommended and I just stare at them as they take up space. Oh and a quick shout out to my brother who downloaded an app which only has women in bikini's on it...THAT'S MY FAVE. My fat fingers graze it at least 300 times a day so hot women with perfect everythings, pop up on the screen and it's making me want to lunge into traffic.
Oh and the creator of auto correct can go fuck himself. 99% of the time when I re-read my sent messages, it sounds like I'm either having a stroke or I've ingested a lethal amount of bath salts.
SO, in the midst of waiting for my room to open up in the mental institution, I discovered Siri. You know that useless little slut that lives in your iPhone and rarely helps with life's major questions? Yeah, her. She was of zero fucking help to me this week.
So let me get this straight, Siri can tell John Malkovich jokes and help Samuel L. Jackson make risotto in those ridiculous iPhone commericals, but she can't tell me if I'm gonna marry Jay-Z?? That's bullshit. Suck it Siri.
Well, I just sneezed and peed a little so I must go figure out if it's worth changing my pants or my sheets.
Nanners Out.
3 comments:
You should try havin a conversation w/Mel & then randomly mumble & then throw in a little broken speaker type talkin & then just mouthing what you say. That'll fuck her up big time.
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