White, chubby, one-legged 30 something year old seeks man with pulse

There is an old saying that "nothing good happens after midnight." (Or am I just making that up?) Anyway, it's 430am in the morning as I type this and I can't sleep, so I got to thinking... Winter is coming so it's about time I create an online dating profile again. (I have nothing else to do...whomp whomp). 

Truth be told, I enjoy having cyber sex developing a deep online connection with a stranger and never meeting them.
This time around, I've decided I'm gonna be brutally honest with what I write in my profile but I wanted to share it here first. If you haven't done online dating, there is a whole bunch of bullshit like tag lines and blah blah blah. It's supposed to catch the attention of other singles. Well my last tag line/profile didn't exactly land me at the altar so I've revamped it a little.

Old tagline: "Laughter is contagious." 

New tagline: "If you believe hot dogs aren't just for ball games and campfires, but believe they are a way of life, then I'm your girl."

And here is how my profile will look:

Hi everyone, my name is Nanners, I don't do this often...only off and on since 2007 every 6 months when I want to receive offensive messages from strangers or if I'm looking for someone to sext with. 
I consider myself a fairly stable gal and only require an exorcism every 28 days when my period rolls around. 

I feel I'm a gifted communicator who is a firm believer in "if you've read my text message, then fucking respond." We probably shouldn't add each other to Blackberry Messenger because if I see that you've read my message and you don't respond within 20 seconds, I'll just assume you're with your wife and kids or banging hookers. Or perhaps you're a raging drug addict held up in a crack den in the city doing blow and are too swamped with drugs to respond.

I have a zest for travel but found myself in a shit load of debt due to impulsive spending and my theory of "I'll be famous one day, so pfffft." So for now, while I'm dodging calls from creditors, my idea of a vacation is slapping on sunscreen, chain smoking on my balcony and staring directly into the sun. 

One of my all time favourite things is jumping to conclusions! If you look at me for more than 5 seconds, I'll just assume you're wanting to be with someone who actually shaves their legs and is younger, hotter and doesn't have back acne and cankles.  

I like to keep active by walking to the fridge and frantically lunging across my tiny apartment to hide my vibrator from my guests.

Typically, you'll find me watching re-runs of Dawson's Creek on Saturday morning, followed by some light masturbation and panic attacks.
I love a solid weekend nap. Fuck, do I ever. But it's been years since I've been able to do that because my anxiety has kept me awake since 2010. Well that, and my double chin is making it increasingly harder to sleep with out Xanax or a litre of wine. 

I like to live my life by a few simple philosophies:  What drops on the floor, stays there.
If it ain't broke, I'll brake it and complain about it for at least 6-8 months. 
Just eat it- especially if there is flour and a high level of sodium or nitrates in it. 
Be someone else, not yourself. Being yourself has landed you on an internet dating site. 
Never answer a number you don't recognize, it's always bad news.
If you invest in a good new dry shampoo, you'll never have to shower another day in your life. 
If you're kissing, you may as well have sex while you're at it. 

Well, if any of this sound remotely enticing I haven't had a p in my v in years so chances are you're getting laid on the first date.  Good luck with your search! 

I'm gonna go post this on Plenty of Fish and I'll let you know what happens. 

Word, 

Nanners