Shop with a fist....

As the holiday season is rapidly approaching, I realize it is yet another holiday for family to question my sexuality..."Where's your boyfriend?" Saying that my boyfriend is in my nightstand is completely inappropriate so I just grin and bear it.

However, that is not the point of today's blog. I believe the real anxiety provoking moments about the holidays begin when you enter the mall parking lot. Today's entry stems from this Saturday's brief excursion amongst those shopping for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Christmas.

As a rule of thumb, I enter the mall parking lot with my window half down during the holiday season no matter how cold it may be. Why you ask? So I can scream at the bastard that 1.) who has stolen my parking spot while my blinker was on; 2) the person that believes that rear view mirrors and looking behind them are not necessary; 3) the person that I see speed walking towards their car and have been following throughout the parking lot in belief that they know where their car is parked...only after 15 minutes they realize that they parked somewhere else.

Anyway, I just have a few brief tips for the holiday shopper so you can avoid being asked by a sales clerk if you are alright (which by the way, happened to me since I was sweating like a whore in church under the fabulous pot lighting and crowded store)
1. Use my window method of half down if you feel that you are going to lose your shit in the parking lot. It allows extra air flow to the brain and you are able to communicate with other drivers.
2. Wear as little clothing as possible while in the mall
3. If you are in a rush, keep your head down when you see a sales clerk smiling in your direction
4. Take half a Prozac approximately 30 minutes prior to shopping
5. If you are hungry. Fuck it. Put some crackers in your pocket or wait until you leave the mall to get something to eat..don't attempt the food court.
6. If there is a Walmart in the mall you are in, do not use that as an entrance for two reasons 1) the Walmart greeter doesn't even greet you so what's the point; 2) Entire families make trips to Walmart and buy in bulk and generally they feel comfortable doing a slow saunter up and down the aisles just browsing. If you are like me, you don't have time for that.
7. Wear an Ipod or use your MP3 player to avoid the ear cringing shrills of terror coming from little children when they realize that they are NOT getting the Dora the Explorer board game for Christmas.

Those are just a few tips. I have more which may be wildly inappropriate for this site so I will keep them to myself for now.

Good luck out there,
Nanners