Tips For the Single Woman

I am writing this as a single sexless woman in society...as I was laying awake in bed as I do most nights panicking about my singledom at the ripe age of 27 my thoughts snowballed into more autrocious thoughts such as, being a professional bridesmaid, how I can't pay my bills on time, what I am going to eat for breakfast the next morning, what if I fall asleep during the 11pm re -run episode of Law & Order that I haven't seen, how my clothes I bought last week somehow don't fit me this week, how long I could go without showering before anyone said "shit your hairs greasy", and what if I do end up single forever....what would my choice of pets be...(I will leave my list of pets to myself and talk about my disgust for little kitty cats later)

ANYWAY, I have compiled a list of tips that I vow to follow from here on out as a single lady...I thought that by perhaps sharing with my girlfriends and women mankind...this may help.

1. Shave my legs, my special no no spot and my armpits at least once a week- Ladies, reason being we have all had those evenings when the cocktails flow like water and the guy you have been shamelessly flirting with all night wants to get frisky...you act all calm and sexy because the booze has made you into a goddess, you get back to your place and unveil that not are you only a woman....you are a mountain lion in disguise due to the hair growing in your nether regions....I vow to shave for all unexpected occasions including but not limited to Christenings, office parties, family gatherings, bridal showers, garage sales, etc.

2. Remind myself that sometime moles on my face grow hair-Pluck it. Don't get caught with someone slapping you on the side of the face (as I have) because someone thought it was a spider. Be conscious of what is growing on your body...including third nipples (which I have yet to encounter)

3. Leave your cell phone at home on nights out or turn it off after 9pm or when you are heading to the bar- I have started this trend as I believe my "OMG I have been in love with you 4ever, want to come over?" texts at 3am haven't been working for me. If you think that you are not one of those girls then just check your "sent items" and "dialed calls" the morning after drinking, you will be surprised at who you were supposedly trying to booty call 5 cocktails into the evening.

4. Take all cards out of your wallet (except of course your business card) but I am pertaining to doctor's appointment cards, etc-For instance I once handed someone at a bar what I thought was my card and it read "EMERGENCY PSYCHIATRIC SERVICES" on it....C'mon people don't judge we all have problems...anyway you get my drift. I never ever heard from him.

5. Try emotional overeating with salad or some fruit-YEAH RIGHT...but still it's a tip me and my ass, hips and thighs are vowing from today on out. I don't know about you but as soon as I get home from work, I am right into my comfy clothes...remind yourself that comfy clothes allow you to do "comfy things" such as breathe and sit your fat ass in front of the television all night and eat "comfy" food such as ice cream, 1 litre of diet coke, chips and pizza.

6. Go to the gym-LOL...no seriously we all know that we feel better when we go the gym. And I believe that it's the truth that guys are attracted to women who take care of themselves. However, don't hop on the treadmill besides Claudia Schiffer or get distracted by the Lou Lou Lemon ad running on speed 10 uphill on the treadmill next to you. This will only discourage you and you will revert back to step #5 when you go home.

7. Don't "cougar" dance when you are out at the bar-If you can't dance then bob your head at your table....or embarrass yourself at another bar where you know you can dance like an idiot freely...judgement free. I admit there have been times that I have done many questionable dance moves which I thought were Janet Jacksonesque but evidently they were not. I believe that dancing is about having fun but know when your time has to come rest those talentless tootsies. I probably should explain cougar dancing to those who don't get it (but I know have seen it) Remember the show Fresh Prince of Belair? Well Carlton was known for doing his little Tom Jones swing dance routine on spot. I have seen many woman aged 45-100 who believe that this is how to get "crunk in da club." Not quite true.

8. I vow to stop swearing as much or stay away from potentially offensive sentences...at least for the rest of the night. I don't think that the male species particularly wants to bring home the girl who often says " I am sweating like a whore in church," or "Holy mother fucker it's hot out here." I am definitely guilty of the afore mentioned sentences. I should probably stop that.

There are probably a plethora of other reasons that I have owned a membership to singledom for quite sometime but I thought that by avoiding what I mentioned above, may help save others from another dateless wedding, funeral or family gathering.