Nanners Rambles: Are you there God? It's me....Nanners

Are you there God? It's me...Nanners. I know you're there and answering prayers since Uber Eats now delivers McDonald's, and you keep inventing vibrators. Either way, it's time you and me had a chat...Thanks for giving me all the good things and being a straight up G when it comes to the wicked awesome things in my life, like having a roof over my head, a job, stellar friends and family....but you really are shitting the bed when it comes to me losing inner thigh fat, growing hair out of my motherfucking neck, ~~last week I thought I saw a Sasquatch heading into the mall right behind me, but nope it was my own motherfucking reflection.~~ expensive Pizza Hut prices and lastly BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...dating. You can't tell me you didn't see me screaming face down in my pillow the other night...(You may have also seen me accidentally swallow pieces of my plastic fork when they broke off on my plate at my company BBQ, but I wasn't trying to take my life, I was just super pumped to be eating a burger in the sunshine.)

I get it, you've been super swamped with granting Beyonce the miracle of childbirth not once, but twice now, and you've been super hard at work ensuring soft baked chocolate chip cookies are still a thing and that my residence is surrounded by Dairy Queens, but for the love of Christ....here's what I've been dealing with:

A first date that showed up with 2 tall cans of Heineken in his pocket so we could actively work on getting wasted on the way to dinner.

A first date that showed up and called his mom during dinner to tell her all about me then passed me the fucking phone so I could talk to her.

A first date that secretly ordered 3 pounds of chicken wings as his take out while I was in the washroom...and stuck me with the bill...which I didn't know existed until I was virtually tackled by the waiter in street for dining and dashing on a bill I also didn't know existed. "STOP, CITIZENS ARREST!!! YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR YOUR 3 POUNDS OF CHICKEN WINGS."
At this point I looked over at him and exclaimed "what the fuck!?" but he was busy and quite wasted on the sidewalk threatening a stranger for looking in my direction. I should have darted into traffic, but lucky you, here I am writing this shit.

~~Okay so maybe this is me eating wings in bed after we had sex but God doesn't judge, amiright?~~

A guy I dated for a couple months, only to find out I was dating his alias and he had a completely different name, nationality, a gambling addiction AND wait for it..... A GIRLFRIEND!!! Well slap me around and call me Susan, if that's not luck, I don't know what is!

That's me at the local nut house.

A guy that I went out with a few times who messaged me to tell me that he now has a girlfriend but..... if we could have sex just one more time, that would be awesome and she would never have to know!

That's a selfie of me after applying Jergens tinted moisturizer and being really annoyed by that conversation.

***Sorry, I'm having a mild coronary writing about my love life which as you can see is shaping up to be a cross between a scene from The Notebook and Scarface*** I must cease and desist.

I have officially given up on dating and erased any digital footprint I may have left in the online dating world. (I've also taken out a line of credit to pay for the 9343297 self help books I just ordered from Amazon, but hey, you only live once. I'm positive this is what Drake meant by "YOLO."

Anyhoodle, one of the books I'm reading encourages positive thoughts...blah blah blah. Even Mr. Rogers was all like "fuck this shit" sometimes. And he did it with a god damn smile.

But in the spirit of positivity, ~~and hoping an alien life force travels from the sky and abducts me~~

I've decided to find the positive against my will.

Positives:

1. I can be a hooker if I want to and I don't have to have an awkward conversation with my partner about why I'm getting a good dicking from strangers for money. I mean look, Vivian was one happy hooker AND she got diamonds. Just look at her! Now, I've got the time to hook. So much better instead of dating these motherfuckers.

2. I don't have to shave. That includes the beard I sprung on my 30th birthday and my no-no special parts.

3. I get to continue my emotional affair with my pizza delivery guy...and give all of myself to him and his hot, fresh, pepperoni.

4. I can take myself on dates, get wasted, have sex with myself and not feel like Heidi Fleiss in the morning.

5. I have more time to read and masturbate.

6. I can wear heels all the time without worrying my date will be pocket size. (I actually shoved the last guy in my purse and he lives with me now, only he stays in the closet.)