Nanners Gets Her Hair Did

I just ate an entire pot of Kraft Dinner and took a selfie. 

 

*Must now sing: "Fat guy in a little coat..."

(If you don't get that movie reference, please leave). 

So there is a good chance I'm going to vomit on my keyboard or launch myself from my balcony before completing this post. My hangover also inspired me to eat one of those giant muffins from Costco as an appetizer,but I haven't been to Costco in 2 years so don't ask where the hell I found this muffin. But what happens behind closed doors in my paradise is my business. 

Last week in the spirit of poverty and beauty, I spent the last 60 bucks in my wallet (Yup, I spend each pay cheque like I'm Charlie Sheen in a whore house...right down to the last penny), and made a trip to the Aveda Academy to get my hair did. It started to look far too Bon Jovi circa 1989, so I had to take matters into my own hands to correct this dilemma. And if I wanna get married within this lifetime, I'm certainly not going to attract my future coochie tickler lover, looking like a washed-up hybrid of Courtney Love and Bon Jovi I love you John Francis Bongiovi, Jr.,  with roots past my jaw line. (And for you fuckers thinking "Um that's ombre, Nanners"-shut up, it's my blog).  

Anyhoodle, if you've never been to the Aveda Academy, I encourage you to do so as it's always in the student's best interest to not fuck it up. Ya feel me? Basically, you're paying them in high fives and not the $24,293,42 it costs to get three bleach-filled tin foil strips on your noggin in downtown Toronto. The first time I got a consultation in Toronto to get my hair done, I needed to change my diaper as I shit my pants in the hairdresser's chair, when that bitch told me the price. 

Much like Nelson Mandela, something comes over me when a great injustice is done in the world, which includes but is not limited to: bullying, racism, receiving dick pics in my online dating inbox, and charging people a mortgage payment for some highlights. Why can't the entire world adopt the IKEA pricing model?? Meaning BASICALLY FREE. Did you know that at Ikea, it costs you a whopping $1.50 for a fountain pop AND a hot dog??!!!! The first time I discovered this I knew God existed and he really wanted me to have nitrates, badly. Sometimes (meaning always), I go in the exit and hangout at the hot dog counter. As you can see, I take the term 'YOLO' quite seriously. 

Okay, getting off topic here. But seriously, I would eat hot dogs for every meal if I didn't know that ingesting that many nitrates would put me 6 feet under by the time I was 40. UGH. Momma told me this life would be hard.   Where was I? Oh yeah, Aveda=WINNING. 

The first time I went into the salon, I noticed my neck twitch was acting up because I was super-mega-ultra nervous (like losing your virginity type of nervous..HAHAHA. Oh wait, I blacked out that night), to have fresh meat at the academy touching my luscious locks. And truth be told, despite my best efforts to look like Claudia Schiffer on a daily basis, I'm not a vein person. In fact, I ignore mirrors and reflective surfaces for 99% of my day, but I take pride in my hair so I really didn't want some virgin hairdresser messing with it. 

Prior to my appointment, I was told by the receptionist that it would be a student named "Bob" doing my hair. Call me useless, but I assumed from the name it would be a lucky gentleman tousling my locks and falling victim to my charm that day. However, to my surprise when I arrived at the salon, I was greeted by a very female "Bob" who happened to be a 23 year old girl, who admitted she only knew "some stuff" about doing highlights. Wicked! 

During my 17 hour appointment, I came to know and love Bob for her misery, honesty and the ability to not crack one smile when I made a joke. C'mon Bob, I brought out some of my best material and still nothing? Pfffft. However, despite Bob's clinical depression, she did an amazing job, which is part of the reason I keep going back. The other part of the reason is that to get to the salon, I have to walk by Prairie Girl cupcakes and I get a lady boner from the sweet smell of sugar and lard each time I go by.  (Again, I'm a hardcore YOLO'er). 

This is how I think I look when I leave the salon with the wind blowing in my hair and Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman playing in the background. 

But in reality....

... I'm just a really annoyed asian woman who's gonna have some serious fucking knots in her hair. 

As I sit here and write this, I literally have no idea where I'm going with this or why I started writing this in the first place. This could be due to the fact that I made love to a vodka bottle and some Jager shots at the bar last night. I'm also really distracted by the show 'My 600lb Life' which I'm watching on TLC right now. The doctor just lifted up one of her rolls and suddenly I'm feeling deathly skinny. Like Dallas Buyers Club kind of skinny. (*I whip off my shirt and do a headstand). I should probably grab a hot dog. 

I'm also distracted by some texts that I'm receiving right now from a few potential online suitors. Oh and don't take this as bragging. (I'm actually laughing and typing). I'm sure by Tuesday evening I will be calling Rogers asking if my phone service is down as it will be silence on the wireless waves (*imagine the sound of crickets)...my suitors will have disappeared. It used to make me sad when they would disappear, but now that I'm somewhat of a seasoned pro to the dating game, I know that I'm not the reason they've disappeared...they are just swamped with masturbating in their mother's basement so I don't take it personally. 

Oh and here's another tid bit of information for you...I've actually lowered my dating standards so much that when a guy responds to my text, I run out and buy the latest issue of Modern Bride. AND if it's been 10 days and he hasn't sent me a creepily cropped picture of his penis, (that I didn't ask for) and he hasn't told me that he's on unemployment, I hit up Tiffany's for some ring shopping. 

Well, Theresa Long Island Medium is on and this is the only time I have scheduled this week to work on my Long Island accent so I should probably get back to it.