Dear Gemini....

This evening as I was coming home on my pleasure rocket (my bus, not my vibrator) I creepily read my horoscope over the shoulder of the woman in front of me. According to my horoscope, my luck is about to change. Sounds promising, right? I think I have as much chance of good luck coming my way, as I do making the Jamaican bobsled team. None. So in the spirit of being a little shit and to avoid cleaning my apartment, I thought I would write my own horoscope. 

Dear Gemini, 

What a tumultuous 276 months this has been! Since the 6th moon of Neptune moved into place on the 1st of March, Mercury has positioned itself right up Uranus and will remain there until Mars plummets to the earth and kills us all in 97 years. Oh my! But don't fret dear Gemini, your luck is about to change!

March will prove to be a tricky month for all matters in your house of finance. Wake up you silly bitch! Your bank account is virtually empty. Looks like partying like a Hilton and drinking like a Lohan has finally caught up to you! Be weary of a telephone call on the 3rd day of March as this is likely not good news. As you know, every time Mars is 43 degrees north of the Sun, a new creditor is assigned to your unpaid account at Visa, and calls you from an unknown number to yell at you. Uh oh! While the planets are realigning, I urge you to fake your own death on or about the 4th day of March.

Feeling unlucky in love Gemini? Don't fret! If you're born on June 6th (plus or minus 5 days) you will meet a tiny Mexican who loves chicken, heavy breathing, playing darts and leaving you creepy messages. And here you were thinking the planet was letting you down! Meeting your Mexican is one of those rare moments when the heavenly bodies align. I caution you, June baby, if you don't settle with that Mexican, another opportunity will not come along until Mercury retrograde in 3023. Should your heart turn away this once in a lifetime love, your hymen is likely to grow back and you will die a lone wolf, covered in icing sugar and burried under a pile of dirty clothes in your bachelor apartment, while your litter of kitties try to claw their way out of your tiny apartment in search of food, love and dignity. 

As Capricorn moves into the 12th house of the sun, Virgo and Aries have collided to surround you with the world's biggest idiots. This will be particularly noticeable during your rush hour commute to and from the office, for the rest of your existence. Remember dear Gemini, public death threats to people wearing backpacks on a crowded bus, are still punishable by law, even during rush hour! While we're on the topic of death threats, your Songza playlist will get stuck on a Michael Buble song, which you did not choose, nor would you ever download,for the majority of your commute on the 13th of day of the month. I think the planets are playing a trick on you my little Gemini! Choosing between listening to Michael Buble for 40 consecutive minutes or listening to the man beside you snort his snot is certainly a cosmic joke! 

When Venus circles the 9th moon of Mercury, you will find yourself making very bad cocktail induced decisions on or about the 16th of the month. Be careful you slutty Gemini, raising a stranger's baby in a bachelor apartment is probably less fun than it looks. Watch your liquor consumption until you can trick a man into marrying you or the zodiac Gods will riddle you with STD's and female pattern baldness until the new moon in 2057. 

Don't be discouraged my sweet Gemini, good things are on your horizon when Neptune circles the earth 8 times and the sun goes horizontal to Jupiter during the new moon of Pluto in 3021! 

That seems about right.

Peace, 

Nanners