9021..0MG

Sharpening my broom handle into a shiv or setting fire to the Valentine's Day card section at the drugstore seemed like my only two viable options when I woke up this morning. Ugh.

My bad mood began on Saturday evening as I spent half of my evening stalking celeb's Instagram accounts, "I love my yacht." Fuck off. This is not so appealing to a girl with .46 cents in her bank account, but since I'm in the business of self torture, I couldn't stop. The other half of my evening was spent burning my chicken and laying on my floor incredibly buzzed.

Exhibit A: Non-stick frying pan my ass.

Truthfully, the only thing that got me through today, was watching 8 hours of the original Beverly Hills, 90210. My love/obsession for 90210 was reignited via my BFF Katie, a few weeks ago. One evening out of the blue I received a message which read "OMG. Brandon Walsh looks like SUCH a good kisser."  After reading her message, it was all down hill from there. Like the losers we are, we have been rushing home from work to watch 90210 on Netflix, just so we can feel alive again.
In high school, every Wednesday night, Katie and I would sit in her bedroom and shit our pants with excitement while we watched 90210. We talked to each other as if they were our real life friends. I'm pretty sure we still suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, due to the stress of the series finale night.

"OMG, If Kelly gets back with Dylan I will effing die. Just die." 
"OMG, I know Katie, she just needs to be with Brandon. He gets her." 
"For Shizzle." 
"Katie what's that smell?" 
"Oh my dog farted." 
"Katie, that totally wasn't your dog."

Now at 31, it is evident nothing has changed....

I think we loved the show so much because our lives as teenagers closely resembled those rich little fucks from Beverly Hills. Only, swap the Porche with my parents bright blue GMC Safari van, filled with wanna-be slutty 16 year olds, wearing backless shirts from Stitches Warehouse- not Rodeo drive. Oh, and of course we had a Peach Pit, just swap that with a diner called Melanie Pringles where we ate so much poutine and ice cream that we were all borderline diabetic at our high school graduation. And seriously, who didn't live at a beach house? I did. My beach house was located in my parents basement for quite sometime. Sometimes, when the water heater would break, our basement would flood and it was totally like I was living at the beach.

Aaron Spelling's best idea imaginable, was getting a bunch of 40 year olds to play high school kids. Shall we have a little throw back down memory lane? Okay!

Nat: Poor, poor Nat. Probably the only 50 year old man that would let 16 year olds push him around AND let them open a night club at the back of his restaurant. Remember the Peach Pit After Dark? That's funny, kids that just got pubic hair running a nightclub. Makes sense. They couldn't even drink when they first started this venture. I would rather eat raw chicken than go to a bar and watch everyone else drink. No thanks.

Brenda: The most hated twin...Ever. GOD HELP US ALL. You know the old saying, "You can take a girl out of Minnesota...and turn her INTO A GIANT C*NT IN BEVERLY HILLS?" I literally don't know what else to say. When she found out Dylan was sticking his P in Kelly's V, I thought for sure she was gonna take some hostages at West Beverly. Oh remember when she was 18 and went to Vegas to marry that guy Stewart after only knowing him for 3 weeks? But then he wanted her to sign a pre-nup and she was all like "oh hell no". How mature of her. Fortunately, the whole gang caught a flight to Vegas to try and stop her by using some crafty reverse psychology. If one of my friends was flying to Vegas to get married at 18, I would first ask them where they got that money and if I could have some. Secondly, you better bet your ass that I'm not following them to Vegas. But I sure as hell would have sent them an email with the subject line: "YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. COME HOME."

Brandon:  The best twin...Ever. He may be pocket size but dang, that boy was delicious. Not only was he smart, but those lips and those eyes. Mmmmm. I do have to say he was a little too goody two shoes for me. But I'd totally do him.  He ALWAYS did the right thing...BLAH BLAH BLAH. Omg. Remember when he dated Emily Valentine and she tried to blow up their homecoming float? This is only after she went all Single White Female on his ass and stalked the shit out of him by sending him cakes and shit. HE FORGAVE HER. How nice.

Kelly: Jesus that girl went through a lot. Let's see: an eating disorder, an addiction to diet pills, nearly dying in a fire, cocaine addiction, a stalker, rape, sexual harassment, killing a man, 64 failed relationships with all her closest friends, AND a breakup with Brandon on their wedding day. And she did it all while talking in a baby voice. Impressive.

Donna: Obviously Aaron Spelling loathed the thought of his little girl being penetrated on T,V, so he certainly tightened that chastity belt good and tight for the first 400000 episodes. In reality, no one gets a boyfriend that actually sticks around unless you're giving up the poon tang. Ya feel me? Especially not in Beverly Hills, where everyone is just going around having sex on beds of money. (Or on the beach in a sleeping bag like Kelly and Dylan). I bet Donna was a closet masturbator. She'd have to be. I mean, seriously. Getting to second base and saying "stop," is like burning the shit out of your last bag of microwave popcorn-SUPER SHITTY. OMG. Wait, do you remember Ray, the abusive guitar playing contractor who threw Donna down the stairs?? He wanted her to talk to angels because he didn't know how. (Get it? His one hit wonder in real life was How Do You Talk To An Angel).
I do have to say though, Donna Martin did give me hope that women who have enough room to fit a refrigerator between their breasts, can still get boyfriends. She was so wealthy growing up, that I wonder if she paid someone to pull her breasts out from under her armpits, or did she just do it herself?

Dylan: Everything that came out of his mouth sounded like an angry whisper. I guess I would be angry too if my dad's Porche exploded in front of me...with him in it.  After his dad's demise, he was such a dick. Well, a dick with a drinking problem and a whole lotta cash. Speaking of dicks, he really loved to use his. What a playa! If I were him, I would have just banged hookers instead of swapping spit with frenemies, Brenda and Kelly. Not worth it. He was far too cool for them anyway. He should have just stayed in Baja Mexico and surfed until he got eaten by a shark. Pre the explosion, he was just another 40 year old high school student walking around West Beverly looking like a total bad ass.

Steve: He literally was 35 when he was desperately trying to nail chicks on campus. Brutal. There was something so sad about watching him fight his way to be cool in the KEG house. I think it was hard for him growing up with a celebrity mother and a privileged life. UGH. PA-LEASE.

Andrea: Don't you dare pronounce it as it's spelt. It's AUNDREA, jerks. God, that girl never stood a chance with Brandon and it was painful to watch. All she wanted to do was edit the school newspaper and have Brandon Walsh tickle her with his pickle. Can't a girl catch a break? Remember when she lost her virginity to her Resident Advisor, Dan Rubin? Ew. He had the worst hair ever. THEN, shortly after she got knocked up by the Mexican bartender/law student named Jesse. SCANDALOUS.

David: Remember when he first started the show and his best friend Scotty accidentally shot himself and died? Ugh. I thought he would never recover. But fortunately for us, he turned into a real babe. A real babe with a big bad case of blue balls after dating Donna Martin for 30 years. Total stud. I have to admit it was kinda hot when he became addicted to drugs at the radio station.

Jim and Cindy Walsh: EVERYONE pushes Jim and Cindy around, especially their bitch daughter Brenda.

Cindy: "Brenda, breakfast is ready."'
Brenda: "Just admit it, you love Brandon more than me."
Cindy: "Brenda, what are you talking about?"
Brenda: "Come on Mom. You lent him the car last night and you knew I wanted it to go to Dylan's. You know what, Dylan's dad's car exploded and he needs a financial advisor, and you two are just sitting here eating bacon! I hate you both!"
Jim: "Brenda that's enough!"
Brenda: "UGHHHH! I'm moving to Paris and you can't stop me!"
Jim: "Okay, sweetie."

This just got me so excited.

If there is a God, there will be a reunion and Katie and I will split a box of Depends.

I think I've done enough of a recap for one day. I'm also watching the movie A Walk To Remember as I write, and this is the scene where Mandy Moore tells Shane West she's dying. My heart cannot take this and I cannot see my screen. Oh fuck, just wait till he builds her the telescope. Heart. On. The. Floor.

Alright my friends, I'm out.
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