Melrose Place: My Life is the Exact Opposite

This has been a week from hell. Officially. Not only have I discovered that my thighs do in fact still rub together since I started quasi walking again, I'm exhausted from work, my Uncle passed away and I'm pretty sure I'm developing adult acne. Amazing. So needless to say, I'm having a hard time puling my shit together so I'm re-posting one of the very first blog posts I ever wrote back in 2008 when I was living with my good friend Sandra. This was originally an email that I had sent to my girlfriends who convinced me that posting it would be a good idea. So my apologies, if you have already read it, you'll get a new post next week, provided I can type in a straight jacket. (I do look fab in white).

Anyway, here you go.....

Evening ladies.... Let me paint you a picture: It was Monday night at 7 o'clock, I am strolling home from work with my thighs ever so gently rubbing together. I step into the elevator as the faint aroma of sausages, body odour and fabric softner ever so gently wafts up my nose. I walk into my apartment and immediately start to channel surf because yes, as we have established at many girls weekends....I am single and sexless in the city. With the passing of each channel, my fingers start to burn as I realize that I am at channel 885. Yes, you heard me correctly, 885 channels and sadly enough, I could tell you what is 884 of those channels at any given time. Anyway....I digress. All of a sudden, my heart stops. My eyes lock on the screen...I had just discovered re-runs of Melrose Place!!!!....I know....I am so lucky. After each episode that I religiously watched last week, I got to thinking....how my life is the EXACT opposite of the slutty renters of Melrose.

Lets compare shall we: (Sandra is my roomate)

Melrose Place: Allison, lonely and new to L.A needs a roomate so she puts out an add and Billy (who is built like a brick shit house) moves in....the sexual tension builds for months, they bang and then they fall apart.

My Apartment: Sandra and I move in together buy Kraft dinner every Friday accompanied by 2 litres of wine each and then we chain smoke on our balcony which is currently covered in bird shit. That is it.

Melrose Place: Amanda (a.k.a Heather Locklear...who by the way hasn't aged since 1981) the scandalous land lady hears a disturbing noise coming from outside her apartment. She calls Jake...the steamy and dreamy guy next door who ironically shows up at her door with his shirt off...Within seconds the buttons off her blouse are flying into the bookshelf and he's banging her like a Jamaican on a steel drum.

My Apartment: Amanda (the chubby renter a.k.a Nanners) hears a disturbing noise coming from outside her apartment so she runs into the living room and peers out her peep hole only to find the chinese midget that lives in the apartment across the hall has tipped her buggy full of newspapers over and then begins to organize her newspapers for her paper route the next day...

Melrose Place: Jake and the gang are bored on a Saturday night so they all decide since they are the same age weight and height...why not put on some bathing suits, have some beers and a bbq...it's all good until Sandy's Stalker shows up to tell her how much he's in love with her after only going on one date...Don't worry....Jake beats him up and he leaves her alone.

My Apartment: It's Saturday night, Amanda's phone has been charging for two days straight...she keeps checking to see if its broken because it hasn't rang in 48 hours. Amanda realizes at 11pm that no one is going to call so she goes into her room and watches soft porn on Showcase until she falls asleep...

Notice any similarities?...If any of you ladies have any life comparisons please feel free to write about it...

Smooches, Nanners