Hospitals, doggie killers and the mafia.

I've been mega inconsistent with keeping my posts up to date. Having my foot broken into 9 million pieces has actually left me swamped with stalking celebs on the internet. As you can imagine, that's a daunting task. 

I'm currently lying in my bed starving and in pain and that brings me back to being in the hospital a few weeks ago so I thought I'd share a little bit about my experience. It's EXACTLY like staying in the Four Seasons. 

Prior to surgery you can't eat or drink anything for 12 hours. That was awesome especially since I've been proudly eating my feelings since 2003. This was no easy task. At one point I was so tragically hungry that I considered dispensing soap into my mouth when I went to the washroom. I remember staring at the soap dispenser thinking "I could SO put that in my mouth right now."(To those who know me, I say that a lot.) The only thing that stopped me from sucking the soap out of the dispenser was that it may have triggered me foaming at the mouth. Explaining to the nurses why bubbles came out when I spoke, would've put me at risk for being put into a straight jacket so I decided against it.  

Speaking of nurses, I have the UTMOST respect for them. They are the people in the trenches putting up with everyones bullshit and complaining. My first encounter with a nurse named Dorothy went something like this:

Nurse Dorothy: "Girl, you're gonna have to take down your panties now so I can put this swab in your bum and vagina." 

Me: "Can you at least take me to dinner first?" 

Everyone: Insert crickets followed by ego shattering silence. (I hate when I try to be funny and no one gets it.) 

I guess in Dorothy's defense, after working a 12 hour shift with the constant smell of shit wafting up her nose and swabbing people's cha-cha's and assholes, she can't see the humour in much. 

After I was anally probed, I had the pleasure of meeting my roommate Pina, her narcissist daughter Mary (who actually ruptured my ear drum when she said hello), and Pina's mob boss husband Joe. I'm pretty sure he was packin' heat and he's currently having me followed so I'm gonna lay off on talking smack about him. If you think I'm joking about Joe, I'm not. Joe meant business. Pina claimed he worked the nightshift at a produce market, yet he was for sure wearing two thousand dollar suits every time he came to visit. I was on to him. I watched the Sopranos. 

Pina was a tiny, old, Italian chain-smoker with the thickest of accents. In fact, I think it's safe to say Pina loved only 3 things in this world: Smoking, trash talking her daughter-in-law and smoking. 

Poor Pina was riddled with debilitating arthritis but this never stopped her from pulling a sneak attack. By sneak attack I mean I would be lying in bed at 3am, high off my ass on morphine trying to sleep and I would literally jolt up as she would be standing over me breathing heavily. 

(*Please read in an Italian accent) "How are-a chu feelin'?" (This is the point where I would buzz the nurses to change my sheets as I just shat my pants.)

One night, I got up to pee on the floor  to go to the washroom and I was hopping back to my bed and I pulled my curtain open and there she was, sitting on the chair next to my bed painting her nails at 4am. She looked up at me, "Good-a Morning." 

At that point how was I supposed to ask her to leave?  For one thing, she was married to the Godfather and I did not want to wake up with a horses head in my bed if I offended her by asking to get the fuck out. Secondly, she just looked so helpless. I just let this sneak attack slide and indulged her while she told the story of her whorish daughter-in-law and how she killed her dog. Pina found out about the untimely demise of her own dog through Facebook while she was in the hospital. This news made Pina want to "cut a bitch" so to speak, and rightfully so.

(*Italian accent)"I tella you, that-a woman change-a-mya-son-a. She is a whore-a. If he-a didn't love-a her, I would a punch-a her in de face-a. WHHHHYYYY GOD-A! Whhhhhy? She kill-a my doggie and my-a dreams." 

(I think it's illegal for people on morphine to counsel others at 4am so I just laid there and nodded my head.) 

As I got to know Pina, it turns out we're all whorish dog murderers and we're all one offensive comment away from being punched in the face. Needless to say, her thoughts and horrific outlook on humanity kept me wildly entertained. 

Well, I should wrap up this post. This morning I discovered the 3rd hair on my chin, I must pluck while there is still natural light in my apartment. Wait, are bearded ladies in? Maybe I'll hold off and just grow a chin strap. 

Nanners