Aug 17, 2016

Misery Loves Company

Well, in the past 30 days, I got my period 3 FUCKING TIMES thanks to my handy dandy new birth control that makes you bleed from your vagina so much that no one wants to touch you - it's definitely 100% effective..thanks, dicks! LOVED having my period virtually my entire vacation! But fortunately, Tampax makes periods easier than ever, so I was able to enjoy full days in white pants followed by dancing in a meadow, doing a handstand and frolicking in a body of water. *Slams head of coffee table, googles 'how to grow a penis'. 

I also quit my job, started a new one, discovered that my sideburns are in fact growing in thicker along with my chin hair, grew some new stretch marks, watched the movie Halloween - did you know that in that movie a child basically murders his entire fucking family while wearing a clown mask??? I promptly ingested an entire pack of birth control that evening after watching that hell beast of a child massacre his sister and step-dad...estimated date to next time I sleep...October 2017. #yolo.  I eventually ended my 30 day stretch of bliss by recently cutting my leg in the shower so badly while I was shaving, that I briefly traveled toward the white light and nearly called 911 on myself but I feared my FUPA (Fat Upper P*ssy Area) could potentially turn off a hot paramedic so I sucked it up like a french whore on pay day and waited until the bleeding stopped. vDid I mention that the heat this summer has been fantastic for some serious inner thigh chaffing? #blessed. As a result, I'm doing my first cross fit class next that should be fun to get kicked out of.

Mind you, skipping cross fit and just doing the Shake Weight is tempting. 

We're caught up now, right? Yeah, yeah,  I know I disappeared - had some shit to figure out and I didn't want my employer to stumble across this blog and tarnish the angelic impression I made on them. Needless to say, I'm back and feeling great as you can tell from my sunny disposition.


I'm currently toying with the idea of going back to online dating and sticking my head in my oven.. *repeats Serenity Prayer while typing "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."  So far I've preheated that bitch to 350. I recently took a walk down memory lane while perusing the screen shot portion of my iPhone, which is home to 73 screen shots of Toronto's finest shitbags who have all taken a liking to me. #winning! 
As a refresher, and because no one likes being miserable alone, I've uploaded a few to remind you that yes, things could be could be in this city. 
I've always been a sucker for a man with depth. 

And those who remind me of Noah from The Notebook...

And just when you think romance is dead....

Please, just stop it with your jealousy. 

I recently shared these screen shots with my nephew...
He just about pissed himself. 

Stay tuned, bitches. 


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