Feb 14, 2016

Oh Valentine, You Little Bitch.

I was inspired to write about love today, not because it's motherfucking Valentine's Day, (and my Facebook news feed makes me want to go on a 5 state killing spree), but I was ultimately inspired by Nikki Minaj's #1 love ballad - 'Stupid Hoe', which happens to be the first song on my weight lifting workout play list. And today I did just that! I lifted a crate of Pinot Grigio and a box of dildos onto my bed. So as you can tell, I not only live a full and busy life like my therapist tells me to, but I'm exhausted!  #single4eva

Anyway, back to love.

As you can tell by this picture, my first love was carbohydrates. Here's a pic of me and my Auntie Ellen before she got a herniated disc from holding me up for this picture. 

I believe this picture was taken after I finished our 5th all you can eat bread basket at the Olive Garden - and clearly this was taken pre-the invention of the thigh master and unfortunately, there was an underwhelming amount of pop-up obesity clinics for toddlers in the summer of '82. Whatever, my Auntie Ellen wasn't in a position to judge. After her and my uncle Joe passed away, we found all their pet budgies (as in birds) in Ziploc bags in their freezer. The ironic part is, each budgie was named 'Lucky'....*Spoiler alert** I'm saving the 'Tail of 3 Budgies' for my thriller book series I'm about to launch. Dum de dum dum dummmm,,,,,,,,

Love really is a son of a bitch though, isn't it?

Look at what happened in Titantic for fuck sakes. Rose was all like "I'll never let go, Jack"....we all know how that ended, as he froze to death and sank to the bottom of the ocean. She probably should have clarified, "I'll never let go of the memory of you, Jack, but I'm fucking freezing, so I'm out."

Ugh, so complicated. 

I mean look at Vivian, the hooker from Pretty Woman who swore she would never mouth kiss a customer me too until she finally let her guard down for Edward the millionaire, and after they kissed, that very same night, she quietly whispered "I love you" when they were falling asleep..BUT HE HEARD. OH FUCK!! I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!! 

Then the next day, she woke up all like "my life is amazing" and he was all like "hold up, let me finish my breakfast, bitch." Then he tells her  "I'm setting you up with an apartment and a shit ton of money and I'll see ya when I see ya." And then of course she's left feeling like a whore....RULE NUMBER ONE WHEN DATING A PROSTITUTE: NEVER MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A PROSTITUTE...
And he was thinking "what's this bitch's problem?" Until he exclaims "Vivian! I have never treated you like a prostitute!" And as he walks away, the tears begin to burn her eyes more than my pee did after prom and she quietly states "You just did." *Cue Roxette's 1990's smash hit It Must Have Been Love. 
That's my reaction when I got my period on the plane to Mexico, but that also depicts how I felt when Vivian tells Edward she loves him and that dick stays silent. 

OH LAWD JESUS, don't even get me started on A Walk To Remember starring Mandy Moore and what's his nuts....oh yeah, Shane West. I actually didn't go to class for an entire week as I tried to wrap my head around how unfair this life can be after watching this movie. If you haven't seen it -don't. But here's a brief synopsis that will rip your still beating heart from your chest...Shane West believes he's dumb and cool. Mandy Moore knows she's smart and quiet. Mandy is also nice, and despite Shane being a giant dick to her, she makes him fall in love with her because of her undercover awesomeness and the fact that she believes in him. So, she believes in him so much, that he believes in himself, they get married and THEN SHE DIES. The end. I can't. I just can't. 

Now if that's not complicated, I don' t know what is. 

Going back to kissing, (as I presume a bunch of you assholes are doing tonight), I'm reminded of my first real kiss. Now I'm not talking about the kind of kissing you did when you were a kid, where you put your lips together and moved your head in a bunch of different directions with your eyes open, following a game which was a smash hit with my classmates in my parents basement, called 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours,' I'm talking about the warm, wet, awkward 'holy shit your tongue is in my mouth' kind of first kiss. 

The night of my first kiss, it was a dark and stormy night...Actually no it wasn't, it was quite mild and I had just spent the day at the mall with my mom getting my Glamour Shots done. 'Memba those? For those of you who don't know, Glamour Shots was a place in the mall that you took yourself (or in this case your daughter) to get your hair and makeup done, to look like a high paid escort from the 1980's. How fun!  Personally, my favourite pic of me is the one in which I'm wearing a faux leather jacket AND popping the collar like I was married to the head of the Hell's Angel's, but those have mysteriously disappeared. So, in lieu of me poppin' colla's, Here's my Glamour Shot from the tender age of 14 going on 30, which has been hanging in my parent's living room since 1995. 

Anyhoodle, fresh off the heels of my photo shoot, and looking like a mail order bride, I got home that evening, stole some of my parent's booze and mixed a horrendous concoction of vodka, whiskey and wine, *I just dry heaved*,  poured it in a water bottle and jammed it in my bag. Fast forward to about 3 hours later to where I was at a party in a corn field, when a giant corn on the cob came hurling out of nowhere and hit me right in the head. And that's when it happened. That magical moment I had been waiting for, since I discovered Donnie Wahlberg made me tingle in my panties: my first real kiss. Right there under the stars, laying in the dirt, with a mild concussion. He appeared out of nowhere yelling "Oh fuck! Are you okay???" As he knelt down, I remember staring blankly up at him (after realizing I didn't die in the great corn massacre of '95) and thought 'Are you Jesus?'. 

It was only a matter of seconds before I realized he wasn't actually Jesus and he happened to be a nice boy from my 9th grade math class. I imagine a deep conversation took place under the stars that night before he stuck his tongue in my mouth and his hand up my shirt, but this bitch isn't one to kiss and tell, clearly. 

I betcha life would be a fuck of a lot simpler if I just stayed in that corn field and spent the rest of my days making penis shaped crop circles. 

Happy Valentine's Day, Fuckers.