Jun 5, 2015

OKStupid

Psssst.... I've unlocked a secret society of assholes and they are all located on OKDickFace OKCupid. .

Let's just get this out of the way shall we? - My father passed away in April so I've been dealing with my own private shitstorm, so in the spirit of self torture and to distract me from the depths of my misery, I've signed back up for online dating.... BECAUSE I WASN'T MISERABLE ENOUGH. 
*This is me complaining to my attorney about the last dick pic I received

K, stay with me... I'm not gonna go all 'Tuesdays with Morrie' on you now, nor will this be a blog about the journey of grieving (it's a shit journey let me tell you). I'm still Nanners and I will continue to write obscene things to shame my family on the World Wide Web, it's just taking a while for Stella to get her groove back, ya know?

There was a Nanners pre my dad's passing that would get offensive/stupid/ridiculous/ messages in her online dating accounts and she would just barf in her mouth, sob into a pillow or flip a table over faster than a Jersey housewife quickly screen shot it and send it to her girlfriends... Now, Nanners post her dad's passing, is one that will no longer tolerate shit. *This statement just applies to online dating.(Every single one of my girlfriends just rolled their eyes because in real life this is me...
a super cute doormat

Anyhoodle.... (David, I used 'anyhoodle' just for you.. You're my favourite Italian, despite the stories Jen tells me).

It was a dark and stormy night as I sat on my couch menstruating and praying Jesus would send me a Costco size jar of Nutella. Naturally, I was feeling irritated because that jar of Nutella was M.I.A, so the next logical thing to do was check my OKCupid messages, since I hadn't been penetrated in a while there's no better pick-me-up than interacting with society's largest rejects.

Obviously there were hundreds of messages....THAT'S NOT ME BRAGGING...IT ACTUALLY DOES THE REVERSE FOR MY SELF ESTEEM...I literally sat there in a fit of rage as I scrolled through my messages, as one by one they irritated me more and more. All of a sudden, my fingers started twitching and I rapidly started typing as smoke rose off the keys...that was it...I was responding and I couldn't control it...

These definitely aren't the worst I've received -they are just highly fucking annoying after years of being off and on the online dating scene. Wait, scene? Can I even call it that?

 Por ejemplo...
  Everyone, meet Will. Will is going to die from an infection in his mouth.

Here's a 55 year old jack ass who believes you can't have your cake and eat it too.
 
Meet Jay. He's online dating for friendship...
 
 
Let's be real - you go on a dating site for two reasons
1. To have casual sex with strangers. To have cocktails and meet the love of your life.
2. To have casual sex with strangers  To find out that the love of your life is a liar who has been living a double life and you realize your friends and family are all you've got in this world so you may as well settle in for the night with a pound of Brie and a bottle of whiskey.

But seriously, I don't want to brag here... But I've got tons of friends...*flicks hair* Most of whom I've met in the bathroom at the bar, but still...a friend is a friend and I don't need any from the internet. Actually, I'll be friends with anyone. I only discriminate against douches online and people with super frizzy hair.
 
One of my favourite things is getting the same creepy fucking message from the same creepy fucking person, who clearly cuts and pastes this message to THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF WOMEN, month in and month out.
 
 
When someone is missing an article of clothing...like oh, I don't know...A SHIRT messages me, I always hear wedding bells. The kicker is, this wasn't even a selfie...someone actually took this shirtless pic for him. And the reason I know this is because he has one hand placed down the front of his pants, (which to my delight were open) and his other douchey hand is behind his head. This ain't the 80's or a Sears catalogue, quit the cheesy body poses...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. The day I EVER hand my friend my phone and ask them to take a pic of me with my shirt off, I hope they would:  a) ask what the fuck I'm doing, and b) light my phone on fire because I can't be trusted in society.


Oh and let's not forget Tinder...another site that is causing a layer of ice to grow on my vagina. Btw- I'll be hosting the next Winter Olympics in my panties. I kid you not, the layer of ice is slowly getting thicker (and yes it's ice not chlamydia), but for some reason out of pure loneliness and need for attention and a good ol' slap and tickle I re-downloaded Tinder for the 19th and final time on my bus ride into the office this morning.
 
As my friend *Claudia Schiffer|* pointed out to me at lunch today "You only ever Tinder when you're angry, Nanners". My friend Claudia is not only beautiful, but wise. And she was right. I really only Tinder when I'm feeling 3 emotions:
 
Anger
Frustration
More Anger
 
Angry Tindering is dangerous because there is no telling what direction I'll be swiping, and 10 times out of 10 I end up with a match named Guido who is standing shirtless beside his '95 BMW and he sleeps up his mom's ass - well technically in her basement, but both have the same appeal to me.
This behaviour typically ends up launching me into a stage 5 meltdown, face-down on my couch, while watching reruns of My 600 Lbs Life. - One time, they basically had to take the god damn door off a house to remove a lady who was dangerously teetering close to 700lbs... and EVEN SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND.  *Cue Celine Dion


This is only my first day back on Tinder so stay tuned for my war stories of STD scares!

Gotta run, I'm streaming old episodes of Dateline and Keith Morrison is giving me a lady boner
 
Peace,
Nanners
 
Oh and Match.com, you can suck it as well. Why are all my matches in Thunder Bay?! I live in the city and I don't have a car. THANKS FOR NOTHING. I'm a firm believer that love does have boundaries and they exist within a 30 mile radius of my apartment.

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