Dec 30, 2008

The Quotes

So every morning in my inbox, I receive quotes from some random woman named "Arina" in Texas...she doesn't come up with the quotes, she just sends other intelligent people's inspirational words of wisdom. She also tries to scam me for money once in a week to buy inspirational videos. No thanks. My inspiration is watching Intervention and Cops to learn how not to live my life. Anyway, I am getting away from my point.

I will share with you today's quote which made me pee a little.

"The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body. The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results."

Reason for laughing: My body hasn't been efficient since 1987 when I realized that while all the other kids were running around and playing in the dirt, I could be inside watching All My Children and Dallas and "smoking" fake Popeye cigarettes in front of the t.v.

My energy level has been that of a snail for about ummmm 21 years now. Looks like I am destined to be sluggish and produce mediocre results for the rest of my life...and you know what...I am fine with that.

Today's quote has essentially inspired me to write my own straight from the heart and my personal life experience. I hope you are inspired by the below.

"Just when you think your life is a heaping pile of shit, you are probably right."

If you would like more inspirational quotes, I can send them to you every morning for a small fee.


Dec 26, 2008

It's that time of year again...

I personally can't think of any other season that reminds me more of being single than Christmas...oh yeah and New Years...can't forget 11:59pm when you look around the room and everyone is smiling and groping each other and staring lovingly into their partners eyes...I on the other hand am staring directly into my empty glass of vodka...secretly telling everyone to fuck off.

At this years family gathering I was able to dodge the "where is your boyfriend" bullet by telling people that I am "focusing on my career" and hanging out with the guests that ranged in age from 2 to 3 years old. Children tend not to remind you that your eggs are rotting and you "look different" (which we all know is another way to tell you that you have eaten a lot of your feelings since the last time you saw them.)

Santa was good to me...I got my ring from Tiffany's from Momma and Pappa Keen...I only had to send the link for about 56 days straight before they gave in...I got anti-bacterial socks which I was mildly confused and insulted about, make-up of course which you know is my passion and a gorgeous new robe which came undone in front of my father on Christmas morning...I didn't have a shirt on. Unfortunately, the ground did not open up and swallow me at that point, but I managed to continue on with my day with limited eye contact. I have never been more embarrassed. Funny part is, I didn't notice it was open until my father screamed at me in his thick Scottish accent "Close your fucking robe!!!"

Eventually, it was time for my annual Christmas day nap which is induced by eating 15 Ferrero Roches. Every year, I manage to eat my entire stocking (not the fabric, but generally the edible contents) by about 11am. Then I head up stairs, try on clothes that don't fit, put on some of my new make-up, climb into bed and start thinking about New Years.

New Years Eve, is the one night of the year where everyone has hope that the upcoming year will be better than the last...Ummmm I tend to disagree. It's just another night to drink yourself silly, think about how you are the only one not sucking face at midnight and make really bad decisions (No need for detail), and wait approximately 3 hours for a cab.

If it sounds like I am really bitter...ummm well it's because I am. Don't get me wrong, I always have a great time on New Years, and I am a firm believer that New Years and my birthday are the only times a year where anything goes...I am hoping this year it is my clothes that go if you know what I mean...but we will see how the night pans out.

Sorry to those of you who have been asking where I have been, I will try and keep on top of the blog thing...Not really much to write about, single and sexless in the city...I do however, plan to get on the dating bandwagon in 2009...if not to find love, at least to have some juicy horrific date details to share or surprise unplanned pregnancies to make you laugh.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Dec 10, 2008

Yeah...about that...

I really don't want to write tonight to be honest...I am writing this out of guilt because that's how I live my life...not words to live by since I am pretty sure that I have a bleeding ulcer and occasionally have signs of a coronary and I may or may not have swallowed my tongue during an anxiety attack on the subway the other day.

I know I promised about 12 of you that I would write about our recent weekend up north...but truth is, too much happened that weekend and there are not enough words in the English dictionary to describe how slutty my girlfriends are. So until, my brain and the girl I pay to write for me can come up with something witty to engage my girlfriends (you know who you are) I simply cannot write about that weekend.

Anyway, I am seriously going to bed now. Alone. Just like every other night. (Except for a few weekends a year when I feel that the amount of liquor in my body is just enough to throw myself at someone.) Just how I pictured my life as a fabulous 20 something in the city. Awesome. I also just realized that I wrote "20 something." Ewwwww. I just threw up in my mouth. I thought I would be married and popping out my 3rd kid by now.'s great heading to bed with such positive thoughts.


Dec 4, 2008

The Country Music Network

I fell asleep last night with the Country Music Network on the t.v in background and I woke up this morning thinking I should be drinking whiskey, running away from home, singing about women's rights and frolicking in a corn field in a sun dress....what's that all about? Hmmmm?

Dec 2, 2008

Single or in a Relationship?

When I first signed up for facebook, it was initially a numbers game to see how many friends I could get...well as it turns out, I am just really popular and the numbers just keep adding up. So I have put the numbers game to rest.

However, I LOVE the news feed. Particularly status updates. It's as close as we come to reading real life tabloids. For instance today on my news feed. I saw two people who went from "In a relationship" to being "single." We all know how much drama and attention this generates. I guarantee that after reading this post I will get at least a few people who question who it was that had broken up. I have had plenty of juicy gossip based conversations had with my girlfriends about who is doing who now or who dumped who. I think the key here is that it distracts us from our own lives...although most of the people on our fb page, we have not seen, probably will not see and probably avoid when we see them at the grocery store. It's odd though, because we know so much about them without them saying a word.

Facebook, by far is the creepiest, yet greatest invention of social media. I will admit, I full on stalk people. Damn right I do. What am I supposed to do? Sit and read my profile and update how single I am all day? Update what I had for dinner or lunch? Of course I look at people's pictures and read their walls. I get all up in their bidness!!

The feature that I am not a big fan of is the instant messaging feature. It's awesome if you see someone on there that you want to talk to. However, they know you are online, so what do you do?...Logging out isn't as easy when you are panicking to get off the computer. Also you run the risk of being really rude by completely ignoring them. (Yes, I secretly care what people think)There is no "I'm busy;" "I have nothing in common with you;" "I don't remember you from high school;" "You are just good to look at but suck at conversation" avoidance feature like on MSN.

Thank God someone told me about the privacy features ie; hiding your pictures...when my page wasn't like Fort Knocks, I would be at work shitting my pants thinking about all the horrible pictures that I could be tagged in from previous weekends. I love the pictures that shows me with eight chins chugging from a bottle of wine.

If you are reading this and are on my facebook friend..."I Know What You Did Last Summer."

Dec 1, 2008

Shop with a fist....

As the holiday season is rapidly approaching, I realize it is yet another holiday for family to question my sexuality..."Where's your boyfriend?" Saying that my boyfriend is in my nightstand is completely inappropriate so I just grin and bear it.

However, that is not the point of today's blog. I believe the real anxiety provoking moments about the holidays begin when you enter the mall parking lot. Today's entry stems from this Saturday's brief excursion amongst those shopping for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Christmas.

As a rule of thumb, I enter the mall parking lot with my window half down during the holiday season no matter how cold it may be. Why you ask? So I can scream at the bastard that 1.) who has stolen my parking spot while my blinker was on; 2) the person that believes that rear view mirrors and looking behind them are not necessary; 3) the person that I see speed walking towards their car and have been following throughout the parking lot in belief that they know where their car is parked...only after 15 minutes they realize that they parked somewhere else.

Anyway, I just have a few brief tips for the holiday shopper so you can avoid being asked by a sales clerk if you are alright (which by the way, happened to me since I was sweating like a whore in church under the fabulous pot lighting and crowded store)
1. Use my window method of half down if you feel that you are going to lose your shit in the parking lot. It allows extra air flow to the brain and you are able to communicate with other drivers.
2. Wear as little clothing as possible while in the mall
3. If you are in a rush, keep your head down when you see a sales clerk smiling in your direction
4. Take half a Prozac approximately 30 minutes prior to shopping
5. If you are hungry. Fuck it. Put some crackers in your pocket or wait until you leave the mall to get something to eat..don't attempt the food court.
6. If there is a Walmart in the mall you are in, do not use that as an entrance for two reasons 1) the Walmart greeter doesn't even greet you so what's the point; 2) Entire families make trips to Walmart and buy in bulk and generally they feel comfortable doing a slow saunter up and down the aisles just browsing. If you are like me, you don't have time for that.
7. Wear an Ipod or use your MP3 player to avoid the ear cringing shrills of terror coming from little children when they realize that they are NOT getting the Dora the Explorer board game for Christmas.

Those are just a few tips. I have more which may be wildly inappropriate for this site so I will keep them to myself for now.

Good luck out there,