Sep 25, 2008

May Cause Side Effects.....

As my television watching is at it's all time high, I have noticed the increase in advertising for pharmaceuticals....Everything is flowers and rainbows...great visual least enough to distract you from the life threatening side effects if you don't listen closely.

For example in the background you may here the following being delivered by someone speaking at a rapid pace, but clear enough so there can't be any law suits.....

"Side effects may include but are not limited to....
Nausea, shortness of breath, runny nose, tingling in extremities, blacking out, insomnia, hair growth in funny places, uncontrollable diarrhea, night terrors, tremors, temporary blindness, hearing impairment, loss of speech, dry mouth, pink eye, warts, loss of toenails, addiction to cough syrup, herpes, constipation, redness of the face, urinary tract infection, unwanted pregnancy, headache and death....
If these side effects persist or worsen over time please consult your physician"

Sep 24, 2008

Who needs mirrors and breaks on a car?

Certainly not the cab drivers in the city of Toronto. Mirrors are just annoyances that get in the way of innocent cyclists and seeing the road.
In fact, I would equate riding in a taxi to a life threatening adrenaline rush such as skydiving or bungee jumping.
I definitely believe that the horn remains a useful tool for cabbies as they weave in and out of traffic @ 90 kilometres/hour on a busy two lane street. I mean it is essential to make sure your horn works when barreling through crosswalks and school zones. Or simply, when another car inconveniences you by staying in their own lane.
Last but certainly not least, who needs a signal? It's much easier if you scream out your window at other drivers in a language that is completely foreign to them. That is what I call conflict management.

If you can guess, I have recently been in a cab. Today in fact, I had the pleasure of risking my life going from Union station to my apartment. I am happy for two reasons:
a) I didn't have a coronary in the back seat and the passenger side was not crushed in a collision.
b) I had the pleasure of reading the taxicab passenger "Bill of Rights."

Did you know that taxi drivers are supposed to be licensed? News to me.
The passenger is also entitled to a safe ride. Where? To the hospital after your cabbie hits a lamp post head on?
I personally enjoy the rule that says that there is "no cell phone use (for the driver) unless it is an emergency. That's funny. What is that giant contraption strapped to my cab driver's head with the ring tune "Sexy Back" that goes off every 5 minutes. Each call is simply ear piercing as the driver scream talks to a family member.

Here is my absolute favourite...which happened today by the way...I had to use debit and the driver turned around and asked me, "how much tip are you giving me so I can include it." Last time I checked, that was a function that a passenger put in. I have never felt so awkward.

I am sure that we all have plenty of cab stories...sometimes I have been the asshole on the other end throwing up silently in the back seat out the window on the George Washington bridge in NYC. Needless to say I was kicked out.

However, my barf did not endanger the life of my cab driver...well maybe the smell.

Buckle up out there folks and when in need, remind your cabbie you participate in the "arrive alive" program.

Sep 16, 2008

Why I watch the show "Cops"

Every Saturday night at 7:59pm, I become aroused at the thought that my favourite show Cops is about to air. Many of my friends make so much fun of me for watching this so called trash but I love it for the following reasons:

1. It makes me appreciate the fact that I have all of my teeth. I fall in love with dental hygiene all over again
2. I love it when they pull over "Johns" for soliciting prostitutes behind the dumpster of 7/11 and it turns out that they were just offering directions to the lost pretty lady with lipstick smeared all over her face.
3. I particularly enjoy the stories of how they have "absolutely no idea how that crack cocaine got in their pockets, their trunk, under their seat, in their glove compartment and let's not forget the rock of crack they have under their tongue....but they have no idea how it got there.
4. I watch it specifically for the shirtless skinny white guy from the deep south trailer park with tattoos ,who runs from the police and hides in the oddest places such as garbage bins, under cars, in trees and bushes while leaving his trail of blood, cigarette ashes, his gun and his clothes in his tracks.
5. I love it when someone commits grand theft auto while drunk so they can visibly be caught swerving all over the road....only to deny that they were drinking.
6 My favourite question is "how many kids do you have?"
7. After a suspect gets in a physical altercation with a Cop he questions why he is hand cuffed.
8. I love the drunk screaming wife shoeless, in the street in her denim cutoffs, with a cigarette in her mouth and her boobs down to her knees wearing a Nascar t-shirt.
9. I love watching Cops and then watching the Canadian version To Serve and Protect and seeing the American police beat the crap and tackle every suspect until they bleed and the Canadian cops just hand out warnings and wish everyone a good night.
10. Last but not least, I love that I have not yet appeared on any episodes.

Night folks,

Sep 14, 2008

Okay so I can't sleep....'s approximately 5:15am as I am typing this on Sunday morning. For those of you who know me, and know my battle with my REM cycle and my bed you will not question why I am awake at this ungodly hour when I don't have to be.

I am looking around my room looking for something to do, but seeing as how it is the size of a bird cage, I don't have too many options. Phoning a friend right now is not really an option either. Since I have been awake since 3:30 I have written two wedding speeches, one for a wedding that I am in and one for a friend who's in a wedding. Most people dread doing speeches or public speaking but I love it if my face hasn't broken out and my outfit is to my liking.

In between my speech writing, I have had the opportunity to flip through what seems like an endless abundance of channels. I really have to give credit to quasi-celebrities for participating to be in late night info-mercials for food processors. Mr. T is really making a comeback.

It's also pretty amazing to see how many people in the U.S are now self proclaimed millionaires and made $45,000 in one month after reading a book on real estate by some Joe Blow from Delaware.

My favourite are all the infomercials for fat people. WOW. The results are amazing! "I lost 24lbs in 12 days! All you have to do is do a shot of this juice and take 3 pills in the morning, 6 pills at lunch and you can even skip dinner!"

In my late night t.v endeavours, I have also noticed that those Latins on the TLN channel really like to go at it. There is porn on for those of you interested, you may not be able to understand it because it's in Spanish, but I think most people watch for the visual stimulation. In fact a lot of the women in the porn look like the flight attendants on Air Mexicana. BTW...If you are ever at the airport look for their ticket booth. It looks like a booth set up at a grade 8 science fair run by a bunch of latin hookers.

There are also a lot of Walmart commercials on at the moment. Man, I really appreciate that store. Someone once told me that there are no guarentees in life but I can assure you there are if you walk into Walmart.
1. I will not be greeted by the Walmart Greeter
2. There will be someone in there that looks worse than me.

Anyway, I must end this abruptly and randomly as my retinas are burning and the taste in my mouth requires immediate Scope action.

Peace Out.

Sep 11, 2008

Where have I been you ask....

Truthfully, I haven't found anything mildly amusing in this past month. Thank you to all one of you who read this on a regular basis....I enjoyed your email saying that you miss me.

Don't get me wrong I have attempted to write something many times but the blogs were titled:
1. People that piss me off
2. Why can't I catch a break?
3. Why am I growing hair there?
4. What did I do to deserve this?
5. Things I hate most about life.

Correct me if I am wrong, but if I were you, I would not want to read these dark somewhat humourless blogs.

Anyway, I am writing to tell you that I am alive...still somewhat bitchy and still a head case.

I did want to share with you the events of my morning. I have been awake since 9:30 so approximately 3 hours.

1. First of all I was awake every hour on the hour so that puts me off to a great start.

2. I awake to not only lose my balance and fall into my tall standing fan (thank god there was a pile of clothes there) but on the way down to the ground I caught a glimpse in the mirror of how bad my rosacea was this morning. Seems like Nanners is having a flare up and looks like a burn victim.

3. I was playing around online while eating my breakfast and decided to take a grammar test...I failed. Horribly. My score was 17 incorrect 3 correct. How long have I been forming sentences? It's a miracle I am employed.

4. I realized that instead of loathing in my anger about my grammatical errors, going to the gym would be a good idea. At minute 9:54 on the treadmill my Blackberry (which doubles as my mp3 player) goes flying off the treadmill and into the weight lifting equipment. After everyone finished staring and NOT helping me find the shrapnel from my phone I eventually gathered the pieces and put it back together myself and walked away.

5. I decided to take the route of the elliptical instead for my safety and others. As I got going, (I hadn't been to the gym in a long time) I realized that songs that used to motivate me about love and happiness no longer work. I must have lyrics that consist of the words "bitch" "whore" and other profanities that I choose not to write. This saddens me but it really motivates me. Maybe I will get a "Rot in Hell Kim" Tattoo around my belly button just like Eminem did for his wife.

6. Walking home from the gym, I received a nice text message from a good friend. I was so happy for her that I managed to walk past the bright orange pilons on the sidewalk and I made my way through the wet cement. This only came to my attention when 5 angry Italian construction workers were screaming at me. I quickly jumped off and lucky for me I am home with no food in the fridge for lunch. Awesome.

I will be heading back to bed promptly after my 1pm viewing of Law and Order and Without a Trace on Bravo. There is less danger for me in my bed...unless it's a Friday night.