Jul 31, 2008

My Daily Dose of Inspiration

So...As most of you reading this know that I have been going through a rough time since ummmmm January....so my Mom thought that it would be nice to take me on a little trip to some voodoo, spiritual, mind body, soul, organic, pagan, be one with the earth shop today.

As soon as I entered my head started pounding due to the variety of aromas and fucking wind chimes clinging together...that was nice...Just as a question to anyone who may be able to answer this...Do any of you find wind chimes peaceful? Maybe I missed a dose of my meds today, but they sounded like god damn trains running through my head.

Anyway, as time passed I sauntered through the rows of book cases filled with material on "Finding the Light to Your Inner Soul Through the Fine Art of Eating Grapes," "You Too Can do Kama Sutra Even From a Wheel Chair," Blah Blah Blah...

However, there is a point to my story. Inspiration. Eventually after spending half an hour in the joint and chit chatting with the shoeless, sockless cashier, (Ewwwww) I started getting into the whole spiritual thing. I ended up buying some rocks that are supposed to inspire me. Even though I probably could have gotten these rocks from my garden and painted "Follow your dreams" on them for about 10 cents...I thought what the hell throw it on my mothers tab.

So eventually we left the store and feeling inspired to spend less money (since we spent about 1000 bucks on rocks to build my self esteem)...we went to the Mecca of the shopping world...WALMART...It was there that I felt inspired to get a really high paying job and not become one of the customers in the Walmart commercials that borrows her wedding dress from Rita in Electronics.

Eventually feeling uninspired due to the amount of screaming children and baby mamma's I began day dreaming about what was next on my exciting list of adventures with my mother...We saw the light.. the good ol' golden arches....nothing motivates me like a healthy dose of 5000 calories chalk full of lard. So I placed my order for heart attack #4. While eating my meal, I noticed that there was no one in McDonald's under the weight of about 300lbs. I suddenly saw a glimpse of my life of Walmart shopping, coupon clipping, rock buying, elastic pant wearing and fat hanging out of my shirt that is too small for me. I don't want that.

Sooooo...(you're like get to the point already) As I sit here tonight surrounded by my inspirational rocks, I vow to not eat McDonald's for 6 months...not even when I am hung over and not ingest 1 carbohydrate for the next month. No one probably gives a shit but there is something about making your useless information available to the public that holds you accountable if you fall off the wagon.

That whole useless story was my daily dose of inspiration. If you held tight long enough to read this then don't worry, because I have no plans to leave the house tomorrow...nothing to inspire me but the Dr. Phil show.


Melrose Place: How My Life is EXACTLY the Opposite

This has been a week from hell. Officially. Not only have I discovered that my thighs do in fact still rub together since I started quasi walking again, I'm exhausted from work, my Uncle passed away and I'm pretty sure I'm developing adult acne. Amazing. So needless to say, I'm having a hard time puling my shit together so I'm re-posting one of the very first blog posts I ever wrote back in 2008 when I was living with my good friend Sandra. This was originally an email that I had sent to my girlfriends who convinced me that posting it would be a good idea. So my apologies, if you have already read it, you'll get a new post next week, provided I can type in a straight jacket. (I do look fab in white).

Anyway, here you go.....

Evening ladies.... Let me paint you a picture: It was Monday night at 7 o'clock, I am strolling home from work with my thighs ever so gently rubbing together. I step into the elevator as the faint aroma of sausages, body odour and fabric softner ever so gently wafts up my nose. I walk into my apartment and immediately start to channel surf because yes, as we have established at many girls weekends....I am single and sexless in the city. With the passing of each channel, my fingers start to burn as I realize that I am at channel 885. Yes, you heard me correctly, 885 channels and sadly enough, I could tell you what is 884 of those channels at any given time. Anyway....I digress. All of a sudden, my heart stops. My eyes lock on the screen...I had just discovered re-runs of Melrose Place!!!!....I know....I am so lucky. After each episode that I religiously watched last week, I got to thinking....how my life is the EXACT opposite of the slutty renters of Melrose.

Lets compare shall we: (Sandra is my roomate)

Melrose Place: Allison, lonely and new to L.A needs a roomate so she puts out an add and Billy (who is built like a brick shit house) moves in....the sexual tension builds for months, they bang and then they fall apart.

My Apartment: Sandra and I move in together buy Kraft dinner every Friday accompanied by 2 litres of wine each and then we chain smoke on our balcony which is currently covered in bird shit. That is it.

Melrose Place: Amanda (a.k.a Heather Locklear...who by the way hasn't aged since 1981) the scandalous land lady hears a disturbing noise coming from outside her apartment. She calls Jake...the steamy and dreamy guy next door who ironically shows up at her door with his shirt off...Within seconds the buttons off her blouse are flying into the bookshelf and he's banging her like a Jamaican on a steel drum.

My Apartment: Amanda (the chubby renter a.k.a Nanners) hears a disturbing noise coming from outside her apartment so she runs into the living room and peers out her peep hole only to find the chinese midget that lives in the apartment across the hall has tipped her buggy full of newspapers over and then begins to organize her newspapers for her paper route the next day...

Melrose Place: Jake and the gang are bored on a Saturday night so they all decide since they are the same age weight and height...why not put on some bathing suits, have some beers and a bbq...it's all good until Sandy's Stalker shows up to tell her how much he's in love with her after only going on one date...Don't worry....Jake beats him up and he leaves her alone.

My Apartment: It's Saturday night, Amanda's phone has been charging for two days straight...she keeps checking to see if its broken because it hasn't rang in 48 hours. Amanda realizes at 11pm that no one is going to call so she goes into her room and watches soft porn on Showcase until she falls asleep...

Notice any similarities?...If any of you ladies have any life comparisons please feel free to write about it...

Smooches, Nanners

Jul 30, 2008

Tips For the Single Woman

I am writing this as a single sexless woman in society...as I was laying awake in bed as I do most nights panicking about my singledom at the ripe age of 27 my thoughts snowballed into more autrocious thoughts such as, being a professional bridesmaid, how I can't pay my bills on time, what I am going to eat for breakfast the next morning, what if I fall asleep during the 11pm re -run episode of Law & Order that I haven't seen, how my clothes I bought last week somehow don't fit me this week, how long I could go without showering before anyone said "shit your hairs greasy", and what if I do end up single forever....what would my choice of pets be...(I will leave my list of pets to myself and talk about my disgust for little kitty cats later)

ANYWAY, I have compiled a list of tips that I vow to follow from here on out as a single lady...I thought that by perhaps sharing with my girlfriends and women mankind...this may help.

1. Shave my legs, my special no no spot and my armpits at least once a week- Ladies, reason being we have all had those evenings when the cocktails flow like water and the guy you have been shamelessly flirting with all night wants to get frisky...you act all calm and sexy because the booze has made you into a goddess, you get back to your place and unveil that not are you only a woman....you are a mountain lion in disguise due to the hair growing in your nether regions....I vow to shave for all unexpected occasions including but not limited to Christenings, office parties, family gatherings, bridal showers, garage sales, etc.

2. Remind myself that sometime moles on my face grow hair-Pluck it. Don't get caught with someone slapping you on the side of the face (as I have) because someone thought it was a spider. Be conscious of what is growing on your body...including third nipples (which I have yet to encounter)

3. Leave your cell phone at home on nights out or turn it off after 9pm or when you are heading to the bar- I have started this trend as I believe my "OMG I have been in love with you 4ever, want to come over?" texts at 3am haven't been working for me. If you think that you are not one of those girls then just check your "sent items" and "dialed calls" the morning after drinking, you will be surprised at who you were supposedly trying to booty call 5 cocktails into the evening.

4. Take all cards out of your wallet (except of course your business card) but I am pertaining to doctor's appointment cards, etc-For instance I once handed someone at a bar what I thought was my card and it read "EMERGENCY PSYCHIATRIC SERVICES" on it....C'mon people don't judge we all have problems...anyway you get my drift. I never ever heard from him.

5. Try emotional overeating with salad or some fruit-YEAH RIGHT...but still it's a tip me and my ass, hips and thighs are vowing from today on out. I don't know about you but as soon as I get home from work, I am right into my comfy clothes...remind yourself that comfy clothes allow you to do "comfy things" such as breathe and sit your fat ass in front of the television all night and eat "comfy" food such as ice cream, 1 litre of diet coke, chips and pizza.

6. Go to the gym-LOL...no seriously we all know that we feel better when we go the gym. And I believe that it's the truth that guys are attracted to women who take care of themselves. However, don't hop on the treadmill besides Claudia Schiffer or get distracted by the Lou Lou Lemon ad running on speed 10 uphill on the treadmill next to you. This will only discourage you and you will revert back to step #5 when you go home.

7. Don't "cougar" dance when you are out at the bar-If you can't dance then bob your head at your table....or embarrass yourself at another bar where you know you can dance like an idiot freely...judgement free. I admit there have been times that I have done many questionable dance moves which I thought were Janet Jacksonesque but evidently they were not. I believe that dancing is about having fun but know when your time has to come rest those talentless tootsies. I probably should explain cougar dancing to those who don't get it (but I know have seen it) Remember the show Fresh Prince of Belair? Well Carlton was known for doing his little Tom Jones swing dance routine on spot. I have seen many woman aged 45-100 who believe that this is how to get "crunk in da club." Not quite true.

8. I vow to stop swearing as much or stay away from potentially offensive sentences...at least for the rest of the night. I don't think that the male species particularly wants to bring home the girl who often says " I am sweating like a whore in church," or "Holy mother fucker it's hot out here." I am definitely guilty of the afore mentioned sentences. I should probably stop that.

There are probably a plethora of other reasons that I have owned a membership to singledom for quite sometime but I thought that by avoiding what I mentioned above, may help save others from another dateless wedding, funeral or family gathering.