Dec 30, 2008

The Quotes

So every morning in my inbox, I receive quotes from some random woman named "Arina" in Texas...she doesn't come up with the quotes, she just sends other intelligent people's inspirational words of wisdom. She also tries to scam me for money once in a week to buy inspirational videos. No thanks. My inspiration is watching Intervention and Cops to learn how not to live my life. Anyway, I am getting away from my point.

I will share with you today's quote which made me pee a little.

"The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body. The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results."

Reason for laughing: My body hasn't been efficient since 1987 when I realized that while all the other kids were running around and playing in the dirt, I could be inside watching All My Children and Dallas and "smoking" fake Popeye cigarettes in front of the t.v.

My energy level has been that of a snail for about ummmm 21 years now. Looks like I am destined to be sluggish and produce mediocre results for the rest of my life...and you know what...I am fine with that.

Today's quote has essentially inspired me to write my own straight from the heart and my personal life experience. I hope you are inspired by the below.

"Just when you think your life is a heaping pile of shit, you are probably right."

If you would like more inspirational quotes, I can send them to you every morning for a small fee.


Dec 26, 2008

It's that time of year again...

I personally can't think of any other season that reminds me more of being single than Christmas...oh yeah and New Years...can't forget 11:59pm when you look around the room and everyone is smiling and groping each other and staring lovingly into their partners eyes...I on the other hand am staring directly into my empty glass of vodka...secretly telling everyone to fuck off.

At this years family gathering I was able to dodge the "where is your boyfriend" bullet by telling people that I am "focusing on my career" and hanging out with the guests that ranged in age from 2 to 3 years old. Children tend not to remind you that your eggs are rotting and you "look different" (which we all know is another way to tell you that you have eaten a lot of your feelings since the last time you saw them.)

Santa was good to me...I got my ring from Tiffany's from Momma and Pappa Keen...I only had to send the link for about 56 days straight before they gave in...I got anti-bacterial socks which I was mildly confused and insulted about, make-up of course which you know is my passion and a gorgeous new robe which came undone in front of my father on Christmas morning...I didn't have a shirt on. Unfortunately, the ground did not open up and swallow me at that point, but I managed to continue on with my day with limited eye contact. I have never been more embarrassed. Funny part is, I didn't notice it was open until my father screamed at me in his thick Scottish accent "Close your fucking robe!!!"

Eventually, it was time for my annual Christmas day nap which is induced by eating 15 Ferrero Roches. Every year, I manage to eat my entire stocking (not the fabric, but generally the edible contents) by about 11am. Then I head up stairs, try on clothes that don't fit, put on some of my new make-up, climb into bed and start thinking about New Years.

New Years Eve, is the one night of the year where everyone has hope that the upcoming year will be better than the last...Ummmm I tend to disagree. It's just another night to drink yourself silly, think about how you are the only one not sucking face at midnight and make really bad decisions (No need for detail), and wait approximately 3 hours for a cab.

If it sounds like I am really bitter...ummm well it's because I am. Don't get me wrong, I always have a great time on New Years, and I am a firm believer that New Years and my birthday are the only times a year where anything goes...I am hoping this year it is my clothes that go if you know what I mean...but we will see how the night pans out.

Sorry to those of you who have been asking where I have been, I will try and keep on top of the blog thing...Not really much to write about, single and sexless in the city...I do however, plan to get on the dating bandwagon in 2009...if not to find love, at least to have some juicy horrific date details to share or surprise unplanned pregnancies to make you laugh.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Dec 10, 2008

Yeah...about that...

I really don't want to write tonight to be honest...I am writing this out of guilt because that's how I live my life...not words to live by since I am pretty sure that I have a bleeding ulcer and occasionally have signs of a coronary and I may or may not have swallowed my tongue during an anxiety attack on the subway the other day.

I know I promised about 12 of you that I would write about our recent weekend up north...but truth is, too much happened that weekend and there are not enough words in the English dictionary to describe how slutty my girlfriends are. So until, my brain and the girl I pay to write for me can come up with something witty to engage my girlfriends (you know who you are) I simply cannot write about that weekend.

Anyway, I am seriously going to bed now. Alone. Just like every other night. (Except for a few weekends a year when I feel that the amount of liquor in my body is just enough to throw myself at someone.) Just how I pictured my life as a fabulous 20 something in the city. Awesome. I also just realized that I wrote "20 something." Ewwwww. I just threw up in my mouth. I thought I would be married and popping out my 3rd kid by now.'s great heading to bed with such positive thoughts.


Dec 4, 2008

The Country Music Network

I fell asleep last night with the Country Music Network on the t.v in background and I woke up this morning thinking I should be drinking whiskey, running away from home, singing about women's rights and frolicking in a corn field in a sun dress....what's that all about? Hmmmm?

Dec 2, 2008

Single or in a Relationship?

When I first signed up for facebook, it was initially a numbers game to see how many friends I could get...well as it turns out, I am just really popular and the numbers just keep adding up. So I have put the numbers game to rest.

However, I LOVE the news feed. Particularly status updates. It's as close as we come to reading real life tabloids. For instance today on my news feed. I saw two people who went from "In a relationship" to being "single." We all know how much drama and attention this generates. I guarantee that after reading this post I will get at least a few people who question who it was that had broken up. I have had plenty of juicy gossip based conversations had with my girlfriends about who is doing who now or who dumped who. I think the key here is that it distracts us from our own lives...although most of the people on our fb page, we have not seen, probably will not see and probably avoid when we see them at the grocery store. It's odd though, because we know so much about them without them saying a word.

Facebook, by far is the creepiest, yet greatest invention of social media. I will admit, I full on stalk people. Damn right I do. What am I supposed to do? Sit and read my profile and update how single I am all day? Update what I had for dinner or lunch? Of course I look at people's pictures and read their walls. I get all up in their bidness!!

The feature that I am not a big fan of is the instant messaging feature. It's awesome if you see someone on there that you want to talk to. However, they know you are online, so what do you do?...Logging out isn't as easy when you are panicking to get off the computer. Also you run the risk of being really rude by completely ignoring them. (Yes, I secretly care what people think)There is no "I'm busy;" "I have nothing in common with you;" "I don't remember you from high school;" "You are just good to look at but suck at conversation" avoidance feature like on MSN.

Thank God someone told me about the privacy features ie; hiding your pictures...when my page wasn't like Fort Knocks, I would be at work shitting my pants thinking about all the horrible pictures that I could be tagged in from previous weekends. I love the pictures that shows me with eight chins chugging from a bottle of wine.

If you are reading this and are on my facebook friend..."I Know What You Did Last Summer."

Dec 1, 2008

Shop with a fist....

As the holiday season is rapidly approaching, I realize it is yet another holiday for family to question my sexuality..."Where's your boyfriend?" Saying that my boyfriend is in my nightstand is completely inappropriate so I just grin and bear it.

However, that is not the point of today's blog. I believe the real anxiety provoking moments about the holidays begin when you enter the mall parking lot. Today's entry stems from this Saturday's brief excursion amongst those shopping for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Christmas.

As a rule of thumb, I enter the mall parking lot with my window half down during the holiday season no matter how cold it may be. Why you ask? So I can scream at the bastard that 1.) who has stolen my parking spot while my blinker was on; 2) the person that believes that rear view mirrors and looking behind them are not necessary; 3) the person that I see speed walking towards their car and have been following throughout the parking lot in belief that they know where their car is parked...only after 15 minutes they realize that they parked somewhere else.

Anyway, I just have a few brief tips for the holiday shopper so you can avoid being asked by a sales clerk if you are alright (which by the way, happened to me since I was sweating like a whore in church under the fabulous pot lighting and crowded store)
1. Use my window method of half down if you feel that you are going to lose your shit in the parking lot. It allows extra air flow to the brain and you are able to communicate with other drivers.
2. Wear as little clothing as possible while in the mall
3. If you are in a rush, keep your head down when you see a sales clerk smiling in your direction
4. Take half a Prozac approximately 30 minutes prior to shopping
5. If you are hungry. Fuck it. Put some crackers in your pocket or wait until you leave the mall to get something to eat..don't attempt the food court.
6. If there is a Walmart in the mall you are in, do not use that as an entrance for two reasons 1) the Walmart greeter doesn't even greet you so what's the point; 2) Entire families make trips to Walmart and buy in bulk and generally they feel comfortable doing a slow saunter up and down the aisles just browsing. If you are like me, you don't have time for that.
7. Wear an Ipod or use your MP3 player to avoid the ear cringing shrills of terror coming from little children when they realize that they are NOT getting the Dora the Explorer board game for Christmas.

Those are just a few tips. I have more which may be wildly inappropriate for this site so I will keep them to myself for now.

Good luck out there,

Nov 28, 2008

Hello Dolly

Out of all the scary movies I have seen and creepy lookin' people I have seen Dolly Parton scares me the most.

Nov 27, 2008

Dear Santa,

I was thinking this morning how vastly different my Christmas list is now compared to when I was say ummm 10. Let's compare shall we:

10 years old:
Dear Santa,
I am 10 years old. I hope you get this letter in time for Christmas because it's very important that I receive everything on Christmas morning. Here is my list:
1. Malibu Barbie-(I have already picked a name for her so it's important that I get it
2. An autographed t-shirt that I saw in the flea market of Joey Lawrence
3. I would like a Skip-it so I can count how many skips I do. Pink please
4. A pogo ball would be great to bring to school. Pink please
5. Please put lots of chocolate in my stocking because it's the only time of year my mom and dad let me eat it for breakfast.
6. Jewellery. Maybe a ring. Mood rings are pretty cool.
7. Real Doc Martin shoes. I was teased in the play ground for wearing fake ones. It wasn't nice.
Thanks Santa, I love you.
Oh yeah and scrunchees for my side pony tail and the Mini Pops album..the newest one if you have room.

27 years old
Santa Baby,
I'm gonna skip the b.s and get to the point. I know you're busy but aren't we all? I heard you got a big sack, so if you can just squeeze it all in that'd be great.
1. Please don't let what I think it is be an STD
2. Please get Rogers Wireless off my back about paying my bill
3. If you could just put a grand on my Visa that'd be great. Thanks.
4. Liposuction from a qualified doctor, preferably not in South America
5. A man. Any man. You pick. For christsakes you travel the world, there has got to be someone out there for me.
6. Maxi pads.
7. A ring from Tiffany's which clearly states it's from Tiffany's. I'm not kidding.
8. A maid. I don't live with my mom and dad anymore. I know you drop by there still but just make a detour this year.
9. Please don't put chocolate in my stocking. My ass and I are done with that. Just put gift certificates from Sephora. That would be great thanks.
Thanks, don't disappoint.

Nov 25, 2008

My Brownies...

Okay, so when a lot of women are down or stressed out we turn to chocolate or that one comfort food that essentially helps us to eat our feelings. My vice during trying times is chocolate. Due to the new owners of the convenience store located directly beside my apartment building, they have re-vamped it for the life of an emotional eater. Awesome.

I was in a bad mood and at the counter one day and decided to pick up one of these nicely packaged brownies. Although, I am not proud of this next statement, I made this a two week habit of getting a brownie everyday. I have now stopped this. Why you ask? Plenty of know health, the fact that my jeans are getting tighter, AND THE WOMAN AT THE COUNTER SCREAMED ACROSS THE STORE TODAY WHILE I WAS PICKING UP A DIET COKE "WE ARE ALL OUT OF BROWNIES. I ORDERED SOME MORE, JUST FOR YOU...THEY WILL BE HERE TOMORROW."

Although the store was only packed with pre-pubescent adolescence on their lunch break from school, I am wildly embarrassed to be the neighbourhood brownie lady. I can't wait to start my water and lettuce diet tomorrow.

I can assure you that when the brownies arrive off that truck tomorrow, I will not be there. I will be at Mac's Milk.


Nov 21, 2008

A little bit about me...

Some of you who read this don't actually know much about me so I thought that todays post would give you an insight into who Nanners really is...I personally think that it's the little things that make a person interesting...I am by no means going to start from birth and tell you details of my 1oth birthday party but just the things that make me tick on an everyday basis. So here I go....

I sleep with my window open all year round, I need cold pillows and a fan blowing on my face at all times when I sleep no matter what the temperature is; I think chocolate and mint should never meet only chocolate and peanut butter should exist; I hate peas (my father once told me that I would not be able to get down from the table when I was around 10 until I finished my I force fed myself the peas and then simutaneoulsy through them up in the centre of my plate to make a statement) I hate spicy food and beans; I could literally eat pizza for every meal, I dance in my room or in my apartment to really loud music when I am alone; when I wash dishes and my roomate is here I only listen to jazz music from the 1940's; I read every single day, mainly to look at the pictures; I read magazines from the back to the front usually...just a habit that I started when I was younger; diamonds actually truly and sincerely make me really happy; I talk to my mother every single day about 5 or 6 times; I am smarter than people think I am...I can whip out facts that knock the socks off people; I am addicted to Wikipedia and I have it set on my google homepage; I love shows that involve murder and kidnapping...I really don't know why; I am pretty materialistic; I make my decisions based on emotion, not on logic..big downfall; I can't sleep on Christmas Eve no matter what-even though I am 27 the excitement of Christmas Day is so strong that I can't sleep; I bite my nails; bleach my hair; surf the internet for ailments that I think that I may have; I sometimes eat cookies or brownies for breakfast and then I feel really sick by 1pm; I always have to have my bed against a I can sleep against the wall; I can only sit in booths at restaurants...I get anxious sitting at tables in the middle of a restaurant; I can't touch cotton balls; because it gives me goose bumps and I dry heave; I have broken my right arm twice, my left arm once, broken my index finger in a New Years fire place accident, dislocated my ankle, broke my toe 3 times and was hit in the head with a line drive at the Blue Jays game and it cracked my skull and I suffered short term memory loss at the home opener on April Fool's day when I was 16; I am addicted to diet coke but I have cut back dramtically; I can imitate accents-my mom wanted me to become an interpreter for the government when I was a kid because I could pick up languages and dialects so quickly...can you picture me as an interpreter? I would be a UN forum being like "The ambassador from Moscow says you have a giant ass and yes, he has nuclear weapons." I wouldn't be able to take it seriously.

Anyway, my wrist hurts...I am done writing.
Happy Friday,

Nov 20, 2008

Let's get physical...

So yesterday I am at the doctors for a complete physical....I hadn't had one in at least 11 years...yikes....Well let me tell you, besides the metal clamps (ladies you know what I mean) I will go for one every six months...that's the most action I have seen sober in a very long time.
I avoid physicals like the plague because I am afraid of the "did you know that you are growing a third nipple on your back" talk.
In all seriousness, the only reason why I booked one was because I have been reading too much Cosmo and anytime they report some sort of alarming statistic on women or they say "you should really take this up with a physician if it persists" I convince myself that I have whatever disease they are talking about. During yesterday's painfully awkward appointment when my doctor was staring at my cervix, I asked her if she thinks I am infertile, if she sees anything alarming,(amongst the plethora of many other questions that I will not write) then I asked her why she was laughing. You never want someone in your "no no special spot" laughing. She says to me "I am laughing at are a bit of a hypochondriac." I told her that she "probably shouldn't be laughing while in that region, it make patients uncomfortable." I also told her that I am only there because Cosmo told me I should be. At the end of my embarrassingly unnecessary anxiety provoked appointment, she looks at me and told me to stop reading Cosmo.
I can't make any promises but I am definitely just going to look at the pictures from now on. Shows what happens when I actually start reading.


Nov 19, 2008

A craft circle?

Okay, I am getting a little pissed off...maybe because it's 5am, but nonetheless, I get my horoscope delivered to me every morning in my inbox. Do you know how many times I wait for them to be like..."Oh,Amanda today is a lucky day for you in the love department..." Do you think that ever happens? No.
For example today I am supposed "Say how I feel instead of just thinking it." Ummm listen Cleo, I don't know if you want to be handin' out that kind of advice...there would be a lot of Geminis with a lot less friends.
In addition to me pissing everyone off by saying what I feel, today is a good day to "Join a craft circle or a knitting club..." Just a quick question do I sound like a girl that would thrive in a craft circle? "Nancy, your paper mache christmas tree is just fabulous." Personally, I wouldn't mind being able to knit shit since it would keep me warm, but a craft circle?? I'd sooner become a prostitute.


Nov 18, 2008

Diamonds are girls best friend....

I woke on Saturday morning wanting throw in the towel to my week long gym regime. I paced my room, stood on the balcony to determine if it was too cold to go outside because I don't have a hat, thought about stubbing my toe that way it would be too fat to fit in my shoe, looked at how greasy my hair was and thought that it would just be an embarassment if I ran into a local that I made out with. This is how bad I did not want to go.

Then I lifted up my shirt in the mirror and put those running shoes on. So as me and my favourite granny panties (yes I wear granny panties to the gym as I was nearly split in half the last few times I wore thongs) I argued with myself (internally) and walked right past the gym.

THEN...I saw the not heaven...the lights from the Estate Jewelery store in my neighbourhood. I was drawn to it all of a sudden. (Right now I realize that I have lost any chance with any male reading this because I am the girl that they run away from.) So I went and peered through the bars on the window and I heard a buzzing...that meant that they were letting me in despite my god awful appearance. So after going through three subsequent buzzings I was finally in state of euphoria.

Holy mother of Jesus I was surrounded by bling so I did the unthinkable to most people and sat down and tried on hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of diamonds. It may or may not have come out of my mouth that I was "getting ideas for my boyfriend for Christmas." This was false. If I had a boyfriend, I think that he may prefer it if I stuck to the gym and not the diamonds...that can get pretty scary for a guy. It's too bad diamonds come with so much symbolism and a heafty price tag.

After about 30 minutes of feeling like a complete jackass but thinking that the experience was worth every carat,I finally hiked up my granny panties and headed off to the gym in hopes that I would meet the man of my dreams that would love to shower my with diamonds and be happy seeing me in my granny panties. (These are only for the gym only so keep your comments to know who you are.)


Nov 12, 2008

Quote of the day

"They call it PMS because Mad Cow disease was already taken..."

Nov 11, 2008

My skin condition...

Okay, so for those of you close to me, you know that I have a skin condition called Rosacea. For those of you wondering what the hell it is and why on God's green earth I am talking about basically looks like you have been badly sun burnt or escaped a burning building. Literally, your face feels like it's on fire...It's particularly agitated by sun, heat, extreme cold, waking up and breathing.
For instance a couple years ago in Mexico, an old woman ran after me down the beach and started scream talking at me " GET OUT OF THE SUN HONEY, YOU ARE GOING TO BLISTER, OH MY GOD. HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF?" Although my initial knee jerk reaction was to punch her right in the uterus, I calmly scream talked backed to her "IT'S ROSACEA."
It didn't hurt. But bitch should have minded her business. When I see people on their vacation, I don't approach them and say "OH MY GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE A BURN VICTIM, GET OUT OF THE SUN." As if they couldn't feel it if it's that bad.
Anyway, I am just pissed off today since Microsoft Word my email and my blog for that matter does not recognize the word Rosacea. For instance, when I spell check, the following suggestions come up: Rosa's, Races, Rosana, Roses, Rosales. I am not referring to a Mexican restaurant. I think it's about time us red faced people unite and write Microsoft.
Help us find a cure people.


Nov 10, 2008

Elevator Etiquette

As I left my friend's 33rd floor condo on Sunday morning, I just knew that the elevator would hit every floor on the way down. Of course this became a fact.
I got in and there were already 4 other people in there...I immediately wondered where they were going but that soon left my head as I caught a glimpse of myself in the elevator mirror and as a result vomited in my mouth.
I stood in the corner avoiding the mirror as well as the four other strangers by staring at the floor numbers at the top of the elevator. The way I see it is you have 3 options when in an elevator which can be oddly uncomfortable because I hate silences.
You can :
a) stare at the numbers with everyone else;
b) stare at the back of the head of the person who decided that squeezing in was a good idea;
c) play with your phone and pretend you are typing a very important text, even though you have no reception.

Anyway, I digress, so after stopping on the 30th floor my elevator of awkwardness stops at lucky #28.
I say lucky because I have never been as lucky as I was that Sunday morning, when the elevator doors opened and a gentleman eating a GIGANTIC EGG SALAD SANDWICH hopped in. Are you f'ing kidding me? Everyone in their right mind, knows that egg is a little off smelling...I do enjoy a good egg salad sandwich on the odd occasion but I would never dream of eating it in an elevator FULL of people. At least keep it wrapped jackass until you get out of the elevator. Eat it on the street and let the wind waft egg up people's nasal cavity but don't eat it in an enclosed area.
As I watched him from behind, I also bore witness to the tiny bits of egg that fell on the floor due to his abnormally large bites he was taking.
It felt like an eternity of egg smelling, baby vomiting in my mouth, people avoiding, number watching, elevator riding, pure awkwardness.
I was spitting angry.

Nov 7, 2008

The Claim

I wonder if you can make a disability claim for "excessive inner thigh rubbing due to growth of inner thighs which is caused by emotional eating from stress" Or. "Extreme pre mentstrual symptoms which causes employee to want to harm people, small animals or throw objects. Considered a danger in the workplace."

Nov 6, 2008

The Subway

One of the many things which I hate about the subway is how close people stand to you and breathe on the back of your neck with their smelly breathe. Now if I was feeling randy and it happened to be a hot man breathing ever so softly on my neck then maybe I wouldn't care. However, the chances that happening are about the same as me winning back my $4 on Cash for Life ticket.

The one thing that really, really pisses me off about public transportation is that the fact that completely mobile seniors or "golden aged citizens" feel it's a right to have a seat. Nope. We give seniors our seats because we think of our own little grandmas and great aunts who struggle or we sincerely believe that this elderly person is unable to stand so we politely give them our seat. I do it all the time and I see a lot of others do it too. HOWEVER, yesterday, we stop at Bloor station, one of the busier, more crowded stops on route and I see this old woman running (not limping) with a million bags in her hand and she literally shoves her way to the front of the platform so she could hop on and get a seat.

She gets right in front of me and is staring at me suggesting with her eyes that I get up to move. Nope not me. I thought to myself " Hold on saddlebags, you just elbowed a small child in the esophagus and knocked your bags into a lady holding a cup of coffee, you ain't sittin' here grandma." Common courtesy. You just ran bitch, you have the capability to stand and perform martial arts to get your way to the front of the line to get on the train. So she stood there and stared at me and huffed and puffed the whole way home. I just pretended I didn't see her as she rested her Bowrings bag on my foot.

Oh yeah, one other thing, say if there is a row of 3 seats. One person on either side and the middle seat is free...try and remember the circumference of your ass before you try and squeeze in the middle seat. Generally, we are aware of how large or small our body parts are and where they may or may not fit. There was a while when I was knocking things off of tables and not realizing it and it turns out it was my ass, but I got used to it. SO please don't sit on my lap. Have some ass courtesy. The only things that go on my lap are:
1.)male strippers for a lap dance
2.) the crumbs of my food

So screw off and sit somewhere else.
I am not having a very good day so this was written with a hint of anger if you couldn't tell.


Nov 4, 2008

Mojave Desert

So I was in the Condom Shack on Queen St. today and I am standing in line to buy flavoured condoms which will only expire in my night stand, and the spanish lady in front of me was debating over what size lube she should get. " Chu tink dat dis size is gon e be enaf?" IT WAS 2 LITRES. I remember standing there and thinking "If your vajay jay is as dry as the Mojave Desert, perhaps install a sprinkler system in the bedroom or get a new man. Jesus woman. Stop wasting my time, I need to get my condoms home to practice putting them on bananas."

Quote of the day

Some of us in life are just naturally blessed with good luck. Others are blessed with frizzy hair. To those of you without frizzy hair...up yours.

Nov 3, 2008

The Catwalk

Most of you reading this are likely familiar with shows such as America's Next Top Model and Project Runway, you know, the shows that are like watching little centipedes in clothing walking down a runway.
Anyway, part of me is writing this post in admiration that they in fact have cheek bones, and their rolls don't sweat while they sit.
Since it was the weekend and I have recently, subscribed to Cosmo t.v, there are a plethora of model/I want to be famous shows on which I am embarrassed to admit I have become captivated by.
So this morning I did a little experiment. I woke up this morning feeling like shit and decided that I should probably feed my shittiness with a litre of ice cream so I went to the grocery store at around 9am. (Which in my neighbourhood is prime time for traffic.)
Being inspired by all the model shows that I watch, I stuck on my sunglasses (to heighten my fashionista qualities-even though I was in jogging pants and a winter jacket) in addition to this I decided to try and do the "catwalk walk" if you are unfamiliar with what I am talking about I think you may live in a hole in the wall but I will explain it to you. Basically, it's one foot directly in front of the other. I know your like " dah....that's how you are supposed to walk" but this is a little more exaggerated. So I tried it for the first and last time.
As I approached the hotel close to my apartment walking like an absolute lunatic, I thankfully side glanced what I looked like in their dining room windows and IMMEDIATELY stopped. It looked like I was actually let out on a day pass. I am very embarassed and my reasons for attempting this walk alone and not amongst friends as a joke are questionable.
I really wish that I could say that I was drunk and I am really wondering if I should be posting this, but if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at right?
Mother of God, I have a doctor's appointment on Friday...let's see if she can increase my meds.


Nov 2, 2008


Hey Sandra, (she's my roomate)
You know the other day when I was vacuuming my room? Well I accidentally vacuumed up the eye mask that you let me borrow to help me sleep. I am telling you this on here to see if you actually read my blog.
If you are upset/outraged, can we please discuss after the Amazing Race tonight?
I will replace it.


Nov 1, 2008

I said what?

Most of us are born with filters from our brains to our mouths. I, on the other hand, am a special breed of species who at anytime will say something deemed socially inappropriate or something that will make a room fill with silence. As far as I know, it's nothing offensive that I say it's just plain awkward. I believe it's more awkward for me as it usually involves me giving something known as TMI (Too much information.)
What triggers these events? Liquor.

I am sure many of you can relate to waking up the next morning after an evening of drunken debauchery and have spent most of your day on the couch wondering what the hell happened last night?Why did I order two street meat specials? Why did I drunk dial that person? Where the hell are my pants?What is that taste in my mouth? Where is my phone?Did I barf last night? How did I get home? What is the name of the guy/girl in my bed? Why won't this stranger leave? How come I have no money in my wallet? Why did I steal the microphone from the lead singer in the live band? What is this substance in my hair? Where is my right shoe? Why did I eat that wet nap on a dare? Did I call that girl a whore to her face? I peed where?

Truth is, the above can be the harsh reality of least for me anyway. As the holiday season approaches I am mentally preparing myself to reduce my liquor intake which I hope will resolve my diarrhea of the mouth and limit the amount of embarrassing incidents. Unfortunately, there is no prescription for this ailment. I have googled it.

If you or any of your friends can relate to any of the examples I have made, then please see below my list of tips that I have prepared for a night of drinking followed by a day of regrets.

1. When meeting new people in a social situation and there are cocktails involved, try and gage their maturity level before impressing them with your ability to guzzle, chug, chant drinking songs, or throw out the "f" bomb uncontrollably.

2. If you wake up the next morning with a raging hangover and the previous evening is a gaping black whole in your mind, wait before you pick up the phone to find out exactly what you said or did. I find if you give it time, you have flashbacks. The blow is much easier to your ego when you remember and are not reminded by friends who are scream laughing at you on the other end of the phone.

3. Throughout the course of the evening, if you feel the urge to call your ex or "friend with benefits," pass your phone to a friend for safe keeping. You will thank them in the morning.

4. Sometimes we are unable to predict if we are going to be mad drunk, sad drunk, or "oh my god you were so much fun" drunk, if you do take the route of mad drunk, try not to pick fights with the bar tenders, waitress, the coat check girl about her losing your jacket while you are wearing it, and bouncers. Being escorted out or being "suggested to leave" is not very lady like. Especially at 6pm.

5. Do not confuse alley ways for a washroom. Once you have broken the sacred seal ladies, there is no going back. If you must pee in an alley way which is an absolute last resort but does seem like the easiest idea at the time, then make sure that you not only pull down your pants, but do not forget to pull down your underwear since being known as the girl that smelt like urine isn't the most flattering compliment.

6. Use your indoor voice.I have been hearing this all my life. I was born a scream talker so this concept is hard for me to grasp even while I am sober. The more of "grandpa's old cough syrup" you have does not mean that everyone in the room has suddenly becoming hearing impaired.

7. Limit the amount of random "I love you" conversations to about 2 people. Preferably...people you don't know. Then you don't have to deal with the awkward aftermath. Although it is a wonderful feeling to hear those three little words, some are creeped out by the fact that you love them so much... especially your boss.

8. Keep your "I'm sorry for being so drunk last night" emails short, sweet and thoughtful. Throw in a few compliments like "Hey, it was so great to see you last night. Have you lost weight? Man, that bartender was pouring some stiff drinks. I am sorry to hear that someone threw up on your jacket," (even though it was you...wait for their response and play dumb.)

9. If you are taking public transportation home, ensure that you remain awake for the entire ride as you may miss your stop and it could possibly take you to the wrong destination on the other side of town. What should have been a 20 minute ride could potentially turn into a 3 hour journey. One you are likely not to forget and one you would rather just keep to yourself. Invest in a Redbull or a cup of coffee before hopping on.

10. Don't exchange numbers with your new friends that you have made in the ladies washroom. Yes, you may have bonded over lipstick shades, how men are bastards and hair styles from the stall next door, but in reality your new friends are a little nuts.

11. If you want to hand out your business card, be sure to take a good look at what card you are giving to your potential Friday night date. As drinking may make your vision slightly blurry, confusing your business card with your gynecologists appointment card can be awkward.

12. Don't ask "What happened last night?" In front of a group of people. There are bound to be people that will gladly chime in their part of the story..and believe me there are usually many. Walk away if "what happened last night?" slips out of your mouth. You are better off not knowing and you don't want to hear "....BUT the best part was...." Leave. Leave now.

Just for the record, none of the following events stem from personal experience. These are just stories I have heard, I am just a really good listener....Well I am off to clean my halo.


The Walk

Okay so today I went out for a little was nice...until I started my journey home.
Now for most of you who have travelled on the TTC ,know that it is a cesspool of germs and creepy smelly people. The great thing about my life, is that the creepy smelly people seem to take a liking to me. Just who I am looking for to bring home to Mom and Dad.

As I sat on the subway this afternoon, a homeless man was blantantly and creepily peering at me from the seat opposite to me. Awesome.

I thought that I would be able to ditch this guy when I got off at my stop. False. Looks like his dumpster is located in my neighbourhood. He proceeded to follow me off the subway and right on to the street...I know this since I have superior side glancing abilities. Then he decided he would like to strike up a conversation...Which at this point I could hear him muttering something about a dumpster....ummmm that's when my pace picked up as well as the volume on my mp3. I am not sure if he was giving me his address or telling me that's where he will dump my body. I felt like turning around and saying "Listen, let's cut to the chase. I don't have any money, here's my wallet..check it out. And if I did have money I would spend it on carbs and fat burners so seriously, you're following the wrong girl."
I eventually took a side street and ditched my lover and it turned out to be a BETTER IDEA because of the following:

1.) As I was walking by the apartments in my neighbourhood, I was nearly struck by a black Lexus speeding out of an underground parking garage going at about oh I would say 100 km. Perhaps instead of the "Tenant only parking" sign, they should replace it with sign which cautions PEDESTRIANS. I am thinking this may work. "Caution. Douchebags may exit garage at high speeds. Good luck." I would love to work for the city and create signs for subways and parking lots.

2.) Just as I recovered from my mild coronary, A guy I kissed last summer in a local bar was out in the neighbourhood walking his dog. I know you may be thinking that's trashy and I am too old for that shit but it was the litre of vodka that made me do it.Plus I guarentee you, 99% of you reading this have made out with a guy/girl in a bar. It was super awkward since we were supposed to go out and then we never talked again. So yet again I was found running/walking with my head staring straight at the pavement trying to dodge this guy. I am pretty sure he saw me doing my weird running/walking down the sidewalk so I think I actually attracted his attention by acting so f'ing ridiculous. Honestly, I feel like I am 5. The number of streets in my neighbourhood that I can walk down without panicking are now becoming limited because of my wierdness.

I'm really glad I left the house.


Oct 31, 2008

My Locker

Recently, I have been going to the gym again. I have carefully chosen locker #350 to be locker of choice which is a constant reminder of what my weight will be if I have another slice of bread.

I am a woman of few words today.

Oct 30, 2008

You heard me....

So last night, I was watching an episode of Blind date. Setting aside the predictable and inevitable hot tub scene, I was really impressed with the way this woman was standing up for herself....a quality that I have not yet perfected.

I started thinking back to the instances where I have stood up for myself and they all have seemingly backfired. Let's review shall we.

1.) Last year on Thanksgiving weekend I was in McDonalds alone having my own pitty party when I witnessed a grown woman screaming at a bum who was quietly eating his meal at a table. She was yelling "You smell so bad that I don't want my kids around you, we have all lost our appetites, get a job, you are useless..blah blah blah." The homeless man just sat there and read the newspaper and ate his fries while she got all up in his grill. Not only did she get up in his grill in front of everyone in the restaurant, but she did it in front of her children. I could not believe what I was witnessing...I went up to the counter and I asked for the manager and I said "There is a vulgar rude bitch, screaming at a homeless man for no reason, can you please ask her to leave, it's very upsetting." The teenager standing next to me turns to me and says "That's my mom." I looked at her and replied "Your mom's a bitch." She was speechless. I was so proud of myself and I just walked away. I was shaking of course in fear that this little teeny bopper could possibly bust out a glock at any minute...but at the time, I felt it was necessary.

The manager came out and escorted the mother and the children out of the restaurant and told them not to come back. Technically I was not standing up for myself, but nonetheless I stood up for someone else and it felt good.

So I sat at a table by myself and ate my fries absolutely horrified at what I just witnessed. I kept staring at the homeless man until eventually I walked over and gave him $10 bucks and said "Happy Thanksgiving sir." Then I walked home on Eglinton scream crying because I felt so bad for the man.

THEN 2 days ago, I was walking up Yonge and I see the exact same homeless man and he asked me for change and I actually didn't have any and he called me a bitch under his breath. Are you kidding me? I gave you $10 last Thanksgiving so you could buy booze and drugs and that's how you repay me?

2) I am in the parking lot of the mall with my mom and we were CLEARLY going into a parking spot when some jack off decided it was the bastard started to turn at the same time. My mom slammed on the breaks and I rolled down the window and yelled "HEY COCKSUCKER, THAT WAS OUR FUCKING SPOT!" I have no idea what got into me and I completely forgot that I was with my mother who was having a mild coronary in the drivers seat in regards to the language that just flew out of my mouth. We entered the mall in silence...we didn't say a word until we sat down in the food court and she quietly says "He could've had a gun you know?"

It felt so good to scream that though...I don't regret it at all.

I would like to have more episodes which reflect having a back bone...although I could work on my choice of words and my habit of giving homeless people money.

Oct 28, 2008

You know you are bored when....

Well the 11 o'clock edition of Cold Case was over, so I thought I would hop on facebook and do a little stalking and take some of the 300 quiz requests that I have received in recent months. So I am ignoring pretty much every request (keep in mind don't send me any requests for "Which plant are you?"or "What fish would you be?" from this day forward...I don't give a shit what plant I would hypothetically be.) Then I stumbled upon "What Celebrity Are You?" I thought it sounded pretty innocent and fun until I discovered who I was...I have copied and pasted the results below...even exactly how it was spelt. Please see below.

Woopie Goldberg
Good for you!! you are very romantic and funny but know when to be serious. you will ecomlish many things except getting a date! you also have some friends but.. noy many.

So in a nutshell, I am a black middle aged woman without eyebrows who has strikingly "manish" qualities, and is funny and romantic but no one would ever know that because I will never get a date and I have no friends. Awesome. Just what I wanted to hear. That totally lifted my spirits.

Yes, Ms. Goldberg is somewhat amusing but romantic? What? I would never look at her and think "You know, she really strikes me as a really romantic person."

What is the deal with these quizzes on fb anyway? I admit, I took about 30 of them already and I am not impressed with the results...basically because facebook has deemed me as a loser.

Just for the record, I have lots of friends. I have also had many offers for dates...they may be from men who live on the street, men who are old enough to be my great grandfather and men who hit on me with their eyes closed because they are steamin' drunk...but still an offer is an offer...I have just chosen to take the high road and decline...not because I am better than's because I am busy. Very busy.

Great. The Holidays are coming...

No not Halloween. Christmas. A time for singles to be reminded that yes they are in fact single. (Just in case you woke up that morning and forgot)

During a typical holiday gathering, I can be caught weaving in and out amongst the plethora of quasi sober relatives who all have the same question on their mind. Is Amanda a lesbian? I haven't seen her bring anyone to the family gathering.

Eventually I am cornered by a drunk cousin who says "I have the perfect person for you." As my eyes quickly do a once over of the Northern Reflections sweater and the booze breathe breathing in my face, I awkwardly decline their invitation by saying "Oh really. I am not really ready for a relationship." Then I quickly look in every direction for the closest dessert platter floating around so I may begin my emotional eating.

This year, I have decided that the kids table is probably more suited to my needs. Their biggest concern is if they will get to play X-box after dinner so they are eating at a rapid pace. In addition to this I can pretty much guarentee that the topic of conversation will not head in the direction of politics or love for that matter. I am game. Although we may need a bigger chair for my slightly larger ass.

Technically, I have so many family members that attend these things that I don't think that I will be missed if I didn't show up. Perhaps I could get away with issuing a family bulletin? I'll put it on festive paper and fax it over to my Aunt. This is what it will read.

"Happy Holidays everyone! Sorry, I couldn't be there. I am actually in Cambodia hand picking Brad and Angelina's next child. Yes I am still single and very very very happy. In fact, the happiest I have ever been.And my god, I am getting so skinny. So please stop questioning my sexuality. Merry Christmas."

Anyway, the likelihood of me getting out of the family festivities is the about the same likelihood of me eating cabbage as a snack. So it looks like I will be attending. But to any of you out there who know of a guy with a job, some morals, over 5'10 and a pulse, please feel free to give him my information.


Oct 27, 2008

Um...Wish I didn't watch that

I just witnessed (well via the television) an exorcism.
I started watching the Paranormal State on A&E because I have a huge crush on Ryan, the head of the Penn State Paranormal Research Society. I know most of you are rolling your eyes and thinking it's garbage but when you have Rogers on Demand and no social life it can become addictive to order episodes...about 13 of them in one day....yup that's right.

Tonight's episode was literally the scariest one I have seen...normally I am daydreaming about how I would like the shows host to have his way with me but tonight I was captivated....a lot of times I think these people are a bunch of nuts just trying to get attention but I really have bought into it. So much so that I have decided to sleep with my light on, go to church on Sunday and order holy water and crosses off of Ebay.

Speaking of Exorcisms have you seen the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose? Yikes...that was one fucked up movie...when I found out it was based on a true story I had to change into a clean pair of pants....It terrified the shit out of me. I don't know why I watch stuff like this. As if I don't already lie awake at night worrying enough.

As a side note, when my father first immigrated to Canada and he was a handsome Scottish bachelor living alone in an apartment, he rented the movie The Exorcist and it scared the shit out of him as well. So that night after turning off the movie,kicking the hooker out and settling in bed...the bathtub from the apartment above him fell through the ceiling and into his apartment. This is fact, not fiction. Till this day my father has never seen the movie again and hates the mention of it.

I don't care who you are, when you watch a creepy movie, you can't tell me that when it comes time for bed that night that you are a tad more suspect to any noise you hear. For example, right now, I am staring at my computer screen as I type but also side glancing my mirror waiting for something catastrophic to happen.

Well, thank god I have a nightstand full of pharmaceuticals that can make me forget I even watched the Paranormal State tonight.

Sweet Dreams,

Oct 26, 2008

The Quasi-Boring Race

If you watch any reality show, you will know that it is totally the loose cannons that make the show. Currently, on the 15th million season of The Amazing Race, I am a little dissapointed.
However, in saying that, the remaining teams are borderline boring/somewhat quirky enough to watch and they at least provide me with enough material for their bio's
If you are a viewer, let's recap in regards the remaining contestants shall we?

Ken and Tina-The jock and the milf who are currently separated, probably because he is an ex pro football player and Tina realized he has been sticking his dick into cheerleaders for years...look closely and you can see his balls turning blue from the grip she's got on him now. I am no relationship expert but I don't know if going on the Amazing Race is the greatest idea to help repair their relationship. They keep saying "This will make or break us." Ummmmm I think that the race has a tendency to push people to their limits and make them a tad crazy. For example screaming at eachother to "get the fuck in the boat." "Stop pushing me!" "You're a psycho." Racing for a million bucks on little sleep around the entire world is not really a realistic counseling session. At least that's not how my shrink and I work through things.

Terrance and Sarah-I can't wait until Tina watches the show which is being Tivo'd for her, and realizes that she is dating a whiny gay man bitch. "Sarah. We are not here to make friends. Don't smile at them. Pay attention to ME!" In the monologues that Sarah has with the camera she can be caught defending his sensitivity. Yes, because he is mestruating Sarah. Dump him. I also believe Sarah is a member of MENSA (the smart people's club) because in every country, she can speak their language. And Terrance please remove your ridiculous bandana.

Kelly and Christy-The young divorcees. Combined, they make a grade two student look like a NASA employee. These women are so bitter. I believe their bitterness stems from the years their husbands spent banging their secretaries....oh wait...maybe they are the secretaries. It's funny because not only in tonights episode did they have to back track because they did not read the clue, but in previous episodes they have had to start over because they didn't read the clue. Their talent is being stupid and bitchy...way to go girls.

Andrew and Dan-The Jewish fraternity boys-What happened to the good ol' days of casting good looking frat boys?Being Jewish has nothing to do with their looks, I am just stating that they are jewish just so I could say the word schmuck which is commonly used in the Jewish community to describe someone as being stupid. Honestly, they suck at everything. I don't even know what to say. Why are they on there?

Nick and Starr-The Brother and sister that sleep together at pit stops. I am pretty sure that they have a "Donnie and Marie" brotherly and sisterly love happenin' there. I am sure Starr enjoys every "leg of the race"Ewwww...excuse me while I barf in my mouth. The second trip for two which they won in this evenings episode will be a great romantic getaway for the brother and sister.

Ty and Aja-Who? Exactly. The token black couple. Okay, to the producers of this show, you must understand that no couple will ever compare to the black couple of all black couples. No, not Oprah and Stedman but Uchenna and Joyce from a few seasons ago. She shaved her head people! For the love of her husband and to prove how strong she is. Every time they had their monologues on camera it was like Ghandi addressing the people. They were amazing! Ty and Aja are going to break's obvious...they are long distance dating and I have a funny feeling that is secret for internet dating because there is no chemistry between them. This may actually be the first time they met. But according to my false prediction, the couple who came in last and were eliminated tonight, will be moving in together...good luck with that.

Tony and Dallas-The mother and son duo-My personal favourite. Although he looks like he's from a boy band, he is definitely the best. He's super nice and encouraging to his mom. I really don't have much to say about the woman. She's a trooper. Good for her.

Join me next week for a re-cap.


Would you like some lipstick for your collagen...I mean lip

Have any of you ever seen the train wrecks that are on the reality t.v series Rock of Love starring Bret Michaels as the love interest? Oh. My. God. As much of a reality t.v junkie as I am, I was unable to follow it this season as my retina's could not absorb the hideous puffed up, trailer park rock n' roll, alcoholic meth addicts that vied for Brett's undying gonorrhea...I mean love.

Sweet merciful Jesus. I just happened to sit down and change the channel and there they were. What a vision. I wasn't sure at first if they were all on the verge of sneezing or really surprised by the looks on their face but after watching it for longer than 15 minutes I realized these silicone princesses were botoxed into this position.

The amount of collagen plus silicone combined from each contestant could actually help build a vessel to free Cubans and safely float them to the Miami shore.

What is the deal with these woman? Perhaps the casting call was in K Mart in the deep south? I don't know. I can't even begin to guess where they found these women. There truly is no witty explanation that I can come up with.

Ewwww. This just had to be stated as there is no one else in my apartment right now to share this with.


Oct 21, 2008

I'm really happy for you if you're sleeping.....

Actually, I am not happy for you if you are asleep, warm in your bed, as I have been awake for a couple hours. I am yet again, going to lose my mind from the lack of sleep I am getting....

I have decided to turn off a re-run of Survivor because frankly the cast is irritating...I really don't care about lions and who didn't pitch in to get water or who was slacking at the immunity challenge. In addition to this, the camera man keeps zooming in on people's bug bites, which is subsequently making me swallow my tongue everytime I see the gaping bloody lesions on their skin.

Prior to watching Survivor, I read about Florence Nightingale on the internet. That sounds completely random I know, but on my google homepage I have "This day in history..." as one of my saved items. For those of you who are interested, she was the pioneer of nursing in the late 1800's. I chose to have "This day in history..." so I would be able to come up with fillers at parties with useless random facts. I hate awkward silences. Actually, I guess I would make it more awkward by talking about Florence Nightingale but nonetheless, I am learning a lot. You would not believe what Peru went through a 100 years ago.

I am actually lying here in soaking wet sheets. No, I didn't have an accident. I drenched my bed in lavender spray about 5 minutes ago because apparently it's supposed to be calming. Calming my ass. I now have my fan on the highest level in an attempt to dry my sheets which are actually quite uncomfortable against my skin. Not to mention that my head is pounding from the aroma of lavender. I think I have also managed to burn my nasal cavity with all the chemicals I have just unleashed in my little crawl space I call my bedroom.

I have my realaxation cd on in the background with some douche bag telling me to "breathe 1,2,3 and squeeze 1,2,3." By squeezing, he is referring to my eyelids, my toes, all my extremities. It's called progressive muscle relaxation. This is not relaxing. I would like to be sleeping rather than squeezing. It also has great music in the background while this mother f'er is speaking...I believe I have heard the same music in funeral parlours and elevators all across the GTA. I think that I have heard enough.

One of my doctors told me to go out and get a white noise machine. Where the fuck do I get a white noise machine? That actually creeps me out. Isn't there a horror movie named White Noise? She also reccomended that I get a C.D with sounds of the rainforest. Yeah, 'cause the sound of monkeys, bugs, dripping water and elephants is EXACTLY what will put me to sleep. Why didn't I think of that?

Anyway, I am spitting angry and I am a little damp at the moment and I believe Law and Order is on Bravo.

Nighty Night.

Oct 20, 2008

I am done

As of today, the internet is to be used soley for porn and hotmail, not internet dating.
I am spitting angry.

Oct 19, 2008

My love/hate relationship

So before I actually write about what is going on in my life as of recent, I must tell you that yesterday was the first time in a while that I have left my apartment and upon me entering the world... I was shit on by a bird. I actually thought someone threw a milkshake on my hand, coat and brand new pants. Birds are bastards but not quite as bastardly as some of the men I have recently met online.

As you may have guessed which avenue I am going down, it's the online dating one. All of my girlfriends who I have shared this information with think it's just fabulous. Nope. I hate it. However, that being said I have taken down and re-posted my profile twice this week out of sheer boredom/disgust/curiosity/my eggs are rotting/where am I going to meet someone normal to counteract all my abnormalities.

If you know me well, you know that I immediately fall into the friend zone with the male species. (Unless you count all 4 years of University when I was in my "prime" so to speak where each weekend started with a mouthful of coolers and ended with a "what is your name and why won't you leave?"

Recognizing that you are in the friend zone is quite painful. If I am unclear about what I mean about being in the friend zone let me give you a few examples:
1. He says "Nah, you can say that stuff around here...she's one of the guys."
2. He has no problems blatantly staring at another girls tits in front of you and remarking about how hot she is.
3. He tries to jersey you, but not in a playful flirtacious manner, he has simply forgot that you are a woman.
4. He slaps you on the back or high fives you instead of sticking his tongue down your throat.

Anyway, before I go any further, I need to apologize to my mom for this posting ie; for reminising about my promiscuity in University online...okay so falling into the friend zone makes it very difficult to find someone, so I thought "you know what are going to take some more chances" Now to give you a scope of what "taking chances" has entailed for the past little while,it has varied in degrees from getting out of bed in the morning to pondering if I should order chicken on my pizza. So online dating is a huge deal for me. Part of me failed to recognize that my fellow suitors may want to meet me in person so for now I am just electronically flirting in cyber space with pictures of people who may look exactly the opposite of their picture.

For those of you who have never hopped on a dating site, I urge you to do so now while the cesspool of weirdos is hot. You couldn't even begin to imagine the range of people I have encountered. Some people were fortunate enough to hit the genetic jackpot and others...ummmmm not so much.

The perk of online dating is that you can see who has looked at you...somedays I feel really flattered about the bachelors who have looked at me...almost good enough to shower, but for the most part I am fending off private message sessions with creepy old man douche bags that don't understand that I don't want to give them my number.

Well, I should go. I just googled "tingling sensation in left arm" and I may very well be having a heart attack. If I do manage to survive, I will keep you posted on my creepy online love affairs.

Oct 7, 2008

Joke of the day..

Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children?

-I can say that 'cause I am part Newfie

Oct 6, 2008

Creepy Caller

As a single girl in the city, I enjoy getting men calling my cell phone. Now most of you who have my number will know that it is primarily off in recent months as I am scared of bill collectors, calls that someone has died, Blockbuster telling me that I now own Driving Miss Daisy and I am scared to hit answer when I really meant to hit ignore. No need to have an awkward conversation.

So getting messages can be kinda fun for me. I check them a couple times a day since we all know how busy I am. Well guaranteed, twice a year, I get a creepy message from my old boss.

I will provide you with a brief history as you may not know my extensive corporate work experience (yeah right.) I used to work as a skip tracer at a collections agency-essentially, I was an electronic bounty hunter to locate debtors and assholes all throughout Canada. So every day I would go in and put on my Maddona-esque headset and be ready to hit the call button. I worked in a team of two other people and then there was my boss.

I don't want to brag but I did make the most calls a day and did find the most people in Canada who just decided that paying bills wasn't their thing. So my boss seemed to take a liking to me.
Not only a liking to my work, but a liking to the "symmetry of my face" as he would say in front of my other co-workers. Symmetry of my face? He would follow that statement up by saying "Men are attracted to symmetry by nature and you have a very beautiful symmetrical face." ( I always thought to myself when he said that "wait till I take off my shirt, you won't think I am so symmetrical then, one boob is definitely much bigger than the other. Why don't you just stare at your balls in the mirror...they are somewhat circular aren't they?) Of course I would never have the nerve to say anything of the sort so I just sat there.
So I was wildly uncomfortable when he would look to my other female co-workers for their agreement. They would peer over their cubicles and say "Yeah uh... I guess her face is circular." So fucking awkward. Who says that?
1. Who says that period unless you are walking by a cracked out Janice Dickinson on the street and she yells " hey fatty, you have a very symmetrical face."
2. As a manager, who points out another co-workers attractiveness in front of other co workers? (Maybe at the company Christmas party but not in the middle of the open office.)
3. This is the kicker, we would actually have meetings to talk about how my other two colleagues should be more like me.That would be the basis of the meeting. If you think I am kidding, I swear on my mother's life. Not why they can't look like me, but why they can't hit my target. Neither of my co-workers would look at me during the meeting.

Eventually, I had to pull each one of them aside as their attitudes towards me began to change. I can't help it if I am circular. They should see me now...everything is circular...nothing to be proud of. Finding clothes for circular people ain't so fun.

I also had to have the awkward convo with Mr. Boss man to tell him to stop singling me out. And by the way, please stop calling me over to your desk to show me the picture of you as your screen saver when you were a body builder. I think it's gross that the vein in your wrist is bigger than your penis. And you hairstyle went out with high tops.

Anyway, got to love those creepy callers.

So, naturally as expected he calls me twice a year and leaves me messages as some sort of game to see if I still have his number. His creepy voicemail he left this Friday sounds something like this:
"Hey Amanda, It's Chris, I hope you remember me. I was the best boss. If you really like me then you would call me back."

Actually, right after the first time I realized you had my number (for emergency purposes only) I deleted your number. And immediately told my friend's father who ran the company, that he hit on me all the time. He didn't have a clue who he was.

That concludes my rant for the evening, I am back to watching CSI Miami (Which I hate) I am just waiting for the episode where Horatio dies, I could have swore I saw a commercial with blood coming out of his mouth.

Oct 3, 2008

Cop a feel Station

First of all, Union station smells like hot dogs, barf, and cheap perfume. Oh yeah and a hint of cinnamon. Yummy.
However, that is not the point of my story. Perhaps it is my generation or my morals that have developed in the past 2 years, but is dry humping against a wall in the middle of Union station cool? (Or in public for that matter.) If you want to dry hump at home go ahead...I'll be jealous, but go ahead.
Not only were there copious amounts of "clothing-on" sexual encounters taking place at the station the other day, but these little dry humpers were about 15 years old. I guess if I were a young dude I would be taking advantage of the little gr. 9 fashionistas who have breasts the size of my head. What the hell was in these little girls baby formulas? When my lady friends and I were growing up, our breasts were practically inverted. Sorry ladies, but it's true. We have spoken on this matter before and to be honest, most of us are wearing padding at the moment.
These 15 year old girls actually look like miniature Pamela Andersons, and in my books, I don't know if that is anything to aspire to.

Anyway, besides the dry humping I witnessed the other day, Union station is one of my favourite places to people watch.
I always try and sit close enough to the departure screen, but far enough so I don't turn into an information booth for lost travellers.
Throughout my experience of people watching, I have placed people into categories.
They are as follows:

1.) The frantic business man who comes barrelling into the station with his brief case and curses out loud and starts running for the train as he is aware that his wife is going to divorce him if he misses one more family dinner or misses little Jimmy's soccer game.

2.) The business man who saunters into the station and happily and calmly recognizes that yes, he has missed his train, but he would much rather eat McDonald's in the station than the left over pork roast that his wife made last night. He is in no rush to get home because he is still glowing from banging his secretary at lunch.

3.) The mother running through the station with 5 children in tow who looks up at the screen and realizes that there is no way they are going to catch the train, swears under her breath and then shoves junk food into the kids mouths to keep them quiet until the next train arrives.

4.) There is the other mother who is heavily dependant on pharmaceuticals, who is running through the station with 5 kids as well, realizes she has missed the train, and turns around to scream at the kids, tell them it's their fault, and they will not get any dinner when they arrive back to their trailer in Oshawa.

5.) Next we have miss size 2 executive who cannot walk in her Jimmy Choo stilettos, realizes that she still has 5 minutes to catch the train but there is no way that she is running to catch her train because the bitch can barely walk.

6.) Last but not least, there are people like me who believe that there is going to be some sort of catastrophic accident on the subway that requires me to leave my apartment an hour early so I get to the station in time to watch the above people.

That is all

Oct 2, 2008

My career in criminal justice.

Let's be honest, we are all creatures of habit...I believe that my t.v watching habit is quite possibly leading me down a path to pass the Bar exam, to be a police officer or at the very least become a part of a CSI unit. Let's take a look shall we:

7am-Third Watch: I learn how fast criminals can run, how dirty cops can be and how fast I need to be able to run in order to catch a criminal.

8am-Crossing Jordan: I learn that being a screwed up Medical Examiner should never mix business with pleasure and having a love affair with a cop really can effect your work

9am-The Sopranos-This show teaches me how to catch the Gangsters-now I am not talking about the "Bloods" or the "Cripts" I mean the old school Gangsters who will shoot you in the head for insulting their wife's lasagna. I think I would be able to track them down and know good hiding spots for example; the country. In addition to this I think I would also be able to run a sanitation company as well as a strip club. I have also learned that faking insanity doesn't get you off a trial.

10am-American Justice-Man Bill Curtis knows his shit. He has taught me a lot. I have learned a lot about creepy serial killers and how to catch them...sometimes DNA isn't enough. I'd like to give a shout out to all those detectives that are hardworking and now divorced because they spent all their time hunting the killers.

11am-IR-Cold Case Files-The show has taught me the reality that some cases go cold because not enough DNA. I have learned a lot about semen.

12pm-I usually eat, slip in and out of consciousness

1pm-Law & Order-Classic-The first half hour you get the detectives hunting down the suspects and throwing them up against the wall in the interrogation room. (I don't think that I would be good at throwing people on the wall, but that's good looking partner who I have sex with will do that) Then, to make the show even better- the second half hour you have the lawyers and the trials. I think I would be good at making deals and tricking people and screaming "I OBJECT."

2pm-Without a Trace-Has taught me a lot about the inner workings of the FBI and how to find missing people. I think that I would be able to find people really well actually. Plus on the side have an affair with a steamy co-worker. Technically, I just want to wear a jacket that says "FBI" there is something about being federal that makes you cool.

3pm- I am usually surfing the net, wishing I was someone else, debating whether or not to go check out the corner store to see if they have any fancy sales from panty hose to chocolate bars. There are a plethora of options to choose from. They also have some hard core smut behind the counter and I always squint to see the titles and I have to admit, I am so tempted to buy one of those videos but I could never show my face in there again. I would be the pervert that buys milk, bread and porn. No thanks.

I am not going to get into my evening t.v watching as this is actually embarassing and I have no idea why I am sharing this with was just a thought while I was watching t.v.

Anyway, I must go as "The First 48" is on- the first 48 hours of a crime are very important as you are more likely to catch your suspect, gather leads and talk to witnesses if everyone co-operates.


Sep 25, 2008

May Cause Side Effects.....

As my television watching is at it's all time high, I have noticed the increase in advertising for pharmaceuticals....Everything is flowers and rainbows...great visual least enough to distract you from the life threatening side effects if you don't listen closely.

For example in the background you may here the following being delivered by someone speaking at a rapid pace, but clear enough so there can't be any law suits.....

"Side effects may include but are not limited to....
Nausea, shortness of breath, runny nose, tingling in extremities, blacking out, insomnia, hair growth in funny places, uncontrollable diarrhea, night terrors, tremors, temporary blindness, hearing impairment, loss of speech, dry mouth, pink eye, warts, loss of toenails, addiction to cough syrup, herpes, constipation, redness of the face, urinary tract infection, unwanted pregnancy, headache and death....
If these side effects persist or worsen over time please consult your physician"

Sep 24, 2008

Who needs mirrors and breaks on a car?

Certainly not the cab drivers in the city of Toronto. Mirrors are just annoyances that get in the way of innocent cyclists and seeing the road.
In fact, I would equate riding in a taxi to a life threatening adrenaline rush such as skydiving or bungee jumping.
I definitely believe that the horn remains a useful tool for cabbies as they weave in and out of traffic @ 90 kilometres/hour on a busy two lane street. I mean it is essential to make sure your horn works when barreling through crosswalks and school zones. Or simply, when another car inconveniences you by staying in their own lane.
Last but certainly not least, who needs a signal? It's much easier if you scream out your window at other drivers in a language that is completely foreign to them. That is what I call conflict management.

If you can guess, I have recently been in a cab. Today in fact, I had the pleasure of risking my life going from Union station to my apartment. I am happy for two reasons:
a) I didn't have a coronary in the back seat and the passenger side was not crushed in a collision.
b) I had the pleasure of reading the taxicab passenger "Bill of Rights."

Did you know that taxi drivers are supposed to be licensed? News to me.
The passenger is also entitled to a safe ride. Where? To the hospital after your cabbie hits a lamp post head on?
I personally enjoy the rule that says that there is "no cell phone use (for the driver) unless it is an emergency. That's funny. What is that giant contraption strapped to my cab driver's head with the ring tune "Sexy Back" that goes off every 5 minutes. Each call is simply ear piercing as the driver scream talks to a family member.

Here is my absolute favourite...which happened today by the way...I had to use debit and the driver turned around and asked me, "how much tip are you giving me so I can include it." Last time I checked, that was a function that a passenger put in. I have never felt so awkward.

I am sure that we all have plenty of cab stories...sometimes I have been the asshole on the other end throwing up silently in the back seat out the window on the George Washington bridge in NYC. Needless to say I was kicked out.

However, my barf did not endanger the life of my cab driver...well maybe the smell.

Buckle up out there folks and when in need, remind your cabbie you participate in the "arrive alive" program.

Sep 16, 2008

Why I watch the show "Cops"

Every Saturday night at 7:59pm, I become aroused at the thought that my favourite show Cops is about to air. Many of my friends make so much fun of me for watching this so called trash but I love it for the following reasons:

1. It makes me appreciate the fact that I have all of my teeth. I fall in love with dental hygiene all over again
2. I love it when they pull over "Johns" for soliciting prostitutes behind the dumpster of 7/11 and it turns out that they were just offering directions to the lost pretty lady with lipstick smeared all over her face.
3. I particularly enjoy the stories of how they have "absolutely no idea how that crack cocaine got in their pockets, their trunk, under their seat, in their glove compartment and let's not forget the rock of crack they have under their tongue....but they have no idea how it got there.
4. I watch it specifically for the shirtless skinny white guy from the deep south trailer park with tattoos ,who runs from the police and hides in the oddest places such as garbage bins, under cars, in trees and bushes while leaving his trail of blood, cigarette ashes, his gun and his clothes in his tracks.
5. I love it when someone commits grand theft auto while drunk so they can visibly be caught swerving all over the road....only to deny that they were drinking.
6 My favourite question is "how many kids do you have?"
7. After a suspect gets in a physical altercation with a Cop he questions why he is hand cuffed.
8. I love the drunk screaming wife shoeless, in the street in her denim cutoffs, with a cigarette in her mouth and her boobs down to her knees wearing a Nascar t-shirt.
9. I love watching Cops and then watching the Canadian version To Serve and Protect and seeing the American police beat the crap and tackle every suspect until they bleed and the Canadian cops just hand out warnings and wish everyone a good night.
10. Last but not least, I love that I have not yet appeared on any episodes.

Night folks,

Sep 14, 2008

Okay so I can't sleep....'s approximately 5:15am as I am typing this on Sunday morning. For those of you who know me, and know my battle with my REM cycle and my bed you will not question why I am awake at this ungodly hour when I don't have to be.

I am looking around my room looking for something to do, but seeing as how it is the size of a bird cage, I don't have too many options. Phoning a friend right now is not really an option either. Since I have been awake since 3:30 I have written two wedding speeches, one for a wedding that I am in and one for a friend who's in a wedding. Most people dread doing speeches or public speaking but I love it if my face hasn't broken out and my outfit is to my liking.

In between my speech writing, I have had the opportunity to flip through what seems like an endless abundance of channels. I really have to give credit to quasi-celebrities for participating to be in late night info-mercials for food processors. Mr. T is really making a comeback.

It's also pretty amazing to see how many people in the U.S are now self proclaimed millionaires and made $45,000 in one month after reading a book on real estate by some Joe Blow from Delaware.

My favourite are all the infomercials for fat people. WOW. The results are amazing! "I lost 24lbs in 12 days! All you have to do is do a shot of this juice and take 3 pills in the morning, 6 pills at lunch and you can even skip dinner!"

In my late night t.v endeavours, I have also noticed that those Latins on the TLN channel really like to go at it. There is porn on for those of you interested, you may not be able to understand it because it's in Spanish, but I think most people watch for the visual stimulation. In fact a lot of the women in the porn look like the flight attendants on Air Mexicana. BTW...If you are ever at the airport look for their ticket booth. It looks like a booth set up at a grade 8 science fair run by a bunch of latin hookers.

There are also a lot of Walmart commercials on at the moment. Man, I really appreciate that store. Someone once told me that there are no guarentees in life but I can assure you there are if you walk into Walmart.
1. I will not be greeted by the Walmart Greeter
2. There will be someone in there that looks worse than me.

Anyway, I must end this abruptly and randomly as my retinas are burning and the taste in my mouth requires immediate Scope action.

Peace Out.

Sep 11, 2008

Where have I been you ask....

Truthfully, I haven't found anything mildly amusing in this past month. Thank you to all one of you who read this on a regular basis....I enjoyed your email saying that you miss me.

Don't get me wrong I have attempted to write something many times but the blogs were titled:
1. People that piss me off
2. Why can't I catch a break?
3. Why am I growing hair there?
4. What did I do to deserve this?
5. Things I hate most about life.

Correct me if I am wrong, but if I were you, I would not want to read these dark somewhat humourless blogs.

Anyway, I am writing to tell you that I am alive...still somewhat bitchy and still a head case.

I did want to share with you the events of my morning. I have been awake since 9:30 so approximately 3 hours.

1. First of all I was awake every hour on the hour so that puts me off to a great start.

2. I awake to not only lose my balance and fall into my tall standing fan (thank god there was a pile of clothes there) but on the way down to the ground I caught a glimpse in the mirror of how bad my rosacea was this morning. Seems like Nanners is having a flare up and looks like a burn victim.

3. I was playing around online while eating my breakfast and decided to take a grammar test...I failed. Horribly. My score was 17 incorrect 3 correct. How long have I been forming sentences? It's a miracle I am employed.

4. I realized that instead of loathing in my anger about my grammatical errors, going to the gym would be a good idea. At minute 9:54 on the treadmill my Blackberry (which doubles as my mp3 player) goes flying off the treadmill and into the weight lifting equipment. After everyone finished staring and NOT helping me find the shrapnel from my phone I eventually gathered the pieces and put it back together myself and walked away.

5. I decided to take the route of the elliptical instead for my safety and others. As I got going, (I hadn't been to the gym in a long time) I realized that songs that used to motivate me about love and happiness no longer work. I must have lyrics that consist of the words "bitch" "whore" and other profanities that I choose not to write. This saddens me but it really motivates me. Maybe I will get a "Rot in Hell Kim" Tattoo around my belly button just like Eminem did for his wife.

6. Walking home from the gym, I received a nice text message from a good friend. I was so happy for her that I managed to walk past the bright orange pilons on the sidewalk and I made my way through the wet cement. This only came to my attention when 5 angry Italian construction workers were screaming at me. I quickly jumped off and lucky for me I am home with no food in the fridge for lunch. Awesome.

I will be heading back to bed promptly after my 1pm viewing of Law and Order and Without a Trace on Bravo. There is less danger for me in my bed...unless it's a Friday night.


Aug 14, 2008

What's that on your face? Eye don't know.....

For most of the women reading this blog, we all know how eyebrows can shape a woman's face. For the most part we care that our eyebrows are groomed and in certain cases...penciled in correctly. All guys have been told by a woman at some point in their life "You have no idea what we go through to look good for you." They actually don't care when we say a man...I wouldn't either. (By the way, I sneeze consecutively when I pluck my left eyebrow and develop cold like symptoms during the activity of plucking. It's quick scary.)

This particular embarassing moment/story is about my if you are not interested in an aesthetics, then this story probably isn't for you.

Today, as a part of my anti-stress/Mandy's Makeover Madness routine, I went to the gym. I think that we have all seen the women at the gym that wear a shit load of make-up and we think why?
Well, I will be honest I wear powder because of my rosacea and I cannot have people staring at me like I am a burn victim because a)my face is naturally red and b) it becomes even more red once I start working I choose to conceal what I can.
In addition to also wearing powder, I draw in my eyebrows. I do this every single day of my life because my eyebrows are so sparse that I truly look like a mutation if I don't. So there....I wear make-up to the gym.

ANYWAY, now that that is out in the open, this morning I was rushing to get out the door to the gym so I threw on my powder but I was missing my eyebrow pencil. I opted to use one of my new light brown eyeliners to pencil those buggers in instead. So I was all penciled in and ready to go. I bundled up because I don't want anyone to see my body (even in the heat...I would rather sweat) threw on my sunglasses and off I went.

It's fucking hot out. I am sweating by the point I reach the gym. The rims of my sunglasses are rubbing against my newly put on eyebrows and forming beads of sweat but I didn't care.

Upon arrival at the gym I realized that I didn't have a hair elastic. Fuck. I thought "well, it's a sign and I should probably just go home." But the size of my ass in the mirror convinced me to stay. By the way I realize now that having 1.5 million inches of gym, covered in mirrors is a great marketing tactic. You realize how horrible you really look.

As I take off my sunglasses and ask the receptionist "Excuse me. Do you have an elastic I could borrow?" She had a huge smile on her face...and she kept smiling while looking for the elastic. I remember thinking to myself...either this girl gets paid 100k to sit behind this desk and is loving life or she remembers watching me make-out with a local at a bar. She finds the elastic and I run up the stairs to the change room.

Since our gym is under construction they have turned the studio FULL of mirrors (thank god) into our temporary change room. As I went to pull back my hair in the mirror I let out a "Oh Fuck!" As I noticed the colour (shit brown) from my eyebrow had rubbed down the side of my face and under my eyebrow...pretty much everywhere.

SO my conclusion is that yes, the receptionist was in fact laughing at me and it looks like I stuck the left side of my face in dog poo on the side walk.

Note to self. Use only eyebrow pencils for eyebrows and eyeliners for eye lids. It was really nice of that bitch behind the counter to tell me.

Aug 12, 2008

Word of the day

Whore (hooo-re)-Term to define a girl/woman at the bar who you see is skinnier than you and is getting all the attention, girl who is in other words "been around the block,"the girl you find out has been sleeping with your crush/boyfriend/husband and deserves to be kicked right in the uterus, girl who knowingly swoops in on yo' man, girl who generally wreaks of booze, wears a ton of make-up to compensate for her inner ugliness, women recently seen on an episode of Cops with make-up smeared all over the place telling the officer that she was "just getting a ride from the 7/11 with this kind gentleman", can be seen leaving shady motel rooms with a short skirt and a botched boob job with a shit load of cash in her purse, girl who you feel threatened by in general...All woman are guilty of calling another woman a whore cause they happen to look better than you.

My Good friend Merriam-Webster defines a whore as the below:
1: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money : prostitute; also : a promiscuous or immoral woman
2: a male who engages in sexual acts for money
3: a venal or unscrupulous person

I love the fact that men are whores in her eyes.

Aug 10, 2008

Who needs E Harmony Anyway?

As I was checking my empty email inbox just now, I noticed an ad for E Harmony at the top of the page. I am not going to lie, I spent an entire hour last month filling out the questionnaire on E Harmony to review "my free profile matches" (they don't tell you that you don't get the picture of the supposed love of your life at the end) Mother of God it takes a long time to complete...especially when you have to debate whether or not you are going to tell the truth or lie about certain personality; being stable.

In addition to losing an entire hour of my life that I will never get back, I happened to notice the membership fee. No thanks. I would rather spend that get sloshed at the bar and having a one night stand with "Mr. Right Now" and have an awkward morning goodbye...what was your name? and a farewell slap on the ass.

Anyway I am getting away from my point. I started thinking that if I were to take out a real classified ad in the paper (I figure that's where the most desperate go since we have the choice to be extremely picky when we do things electronically) what would it say....

"Perpetually single chubby Caucasian female, 27, desperate enough to take out ad, but not hopeless enough to invest in a litter of cats, seeks a man who enjoys to laugh but not when I take off my shirt, must have established career or trust fund as I am living off the government, must be a family man (which refers to loving his parents and siblings not his current baby mama and bastard children.) Must have drivers licence as my life is quite adventurous and ambulances are expensive. Well groomed including hair on back and private areas. Caring and open (open in the sense that you are communicative, not in an open relationship.) If I sound like the woman of your dreams, please feel free to contact me between 11am-2pm, otherwise I am sleeping. I look forward to meeting you Mr. Right!"

I don't think that's asking for too much do you?